Authentic Domination – class hand out

General Tips

+ Don’t buy into stereotypes about what domination “should” be! There are a lot of different styles of dominance: sensual, strict, tender or even a combination!

+ Confidence is the root of dominance. It’s not about being rude, loud or angry. It’s believing, that for whatever length of time (an hour, a day, a weekend or longer) you are in control. There’s no need to shout about it.

+ Structure supports spontaneity. Investing time in creating some sort of reference point (protocols, a special verbal code to communication, punishment/rewards) will leave your energy for the kinky sexy fun.

+ You don’t have to put on a circus for every kinky scene. Make time for it in your life in whatever way you can. Let things have a shorter “arc” so you can still feel satisfaction.

+ Use the effect of verbal command. Even if something seems obvious, using words and commands to by emphasize the experience of “force” it can transform otherwise mundane actions.

 

Resources

+ Improv classes at your local continuing education program can loosen you up during playtime and help you explore different aspects of yourself.

+ Kink Academy has quite a few videos regarding domination

+ I’m currently developing an online guided course, which will eventually be launched at www.AuthenticDomination.com

How to own and train a service submissive – Class Handout

General Tips

+ Training your service submissive is the only way to get them to do exactly what you want, how you want. If you do not teach them and institute required practice sessions then you can never expect them to learn how you want something done, vs. how they would do it.

+ Things are learned through repetition, though it may not seem very exciting to spend time going over and over things, it is necessary if you expect a quick, instinctual response from your sub

+ Be very explicit in your instructions.

+ Use special command words/phrases/gestures to simplify communicating.

+ Structure supports spontaneity!  – By committing to consistent punishments and rewards for various activities you can skip right to the good stuff rather than having to waste time making ‘decisions’.

+ Set your own protocols (aka rules) that suit your needs. They might be about positions, titles/language, etiquette, or how you want certain tasks taken care of.

 

Resources

+ Don’t just read kinky books! Business management, etiquette, and even dog training books all have useful information.

+ Kink Academy has quite a few videos regarding both sides of service from multiple educators (including Mollena, Lucky Albatross, Sarah Sloane, Needlestuck & Sissy Stephanie)

+ If you’re interested in personalize coaching I offer Skype sessions for singles or couples to address your individual needs. You can find more info here

 

A few kinky shopping tips!

woman Shopping Bags SmallQ: I’m just starting to explore my kinks & fetishes, what should I purchase before I really know what I like?

A: Start with the ‘vanilla’ items that resemble kink items such as a wooden spoon for a paddle, scarves or neckties for bondage (be sure to keep safety scissors handy to cut them off in case of tightening!)

 

Q: I would like to try some more ‘fetishy’ clothes, but where do you shop for those things?

A:  It can be difficult to find things locally unless you live in a big city and even then, many brick & mortor stores have gone by way of the internet highway. A couple of good options are PurplePassion.com and Passional.com which have stores in NYC & Philadelphia, respectively. There are of course many more, please feel free to make suggestions in the comment section!)

 

Q: I’m really into a specific kind of corporal punishment (either as a Top or Bottom), should I invest in good quality toys of my own?

A: Absolutely. If there’s one toy or activity that you know, without a doubt, gets you off….save up if you have to but do some research and purchase a well crafted, long lasting version of that favorite toy. This is true regardless of whether you’re a Top or a Bottom. It is very appropriate, smart even, for a Bottom to have their own toys. That way you never have to hope that your favorite Top has your favorite toy, they can just use yours!

 

Q:I have a spare room that I’d like to turn into a dungeon, where do I start and how do I know what I need?

A: It depends on your interests, but some basic bondage furniture (spanking bench & padded kneeling post), a sturdy chair (with arms for a throne, without arms for OTK), and a roomy dog cage is a good start. Hang some hooks on the wall to keep your toys organized, and include a dresser for storage space and a counter top display area.

 

Q:I need a discrete, inexpensive way to keep and carry all of my kinky toys.

A: Look for a small, durable, fashionable suitcase with plenty of zippered pouches (outside & in) for an ‘incognito’ way to carry your toys around. Have a travel set of cleaning supplies in a plastic lined pouch so that you can take care of your items immediately after playing, and don’t forget paper towels!

 

5 Tips For New Submissives

woman submissive boot on backIf you’re starting to explore your submissive side or starting to experiment with dominance & submission in the bedroom, then there are few things that are important to keep in mind. Regardless of what any erotica or fantasy books & movies might show, there is no “one” right way to be submissive. But there are some general rules that can be a good foundation for figuring out what you need.

1)      You only have to be submissive WHEN you want and to WHO you want. Just because you are exploring your submissive desires does not mean you suddenly have to become a doormat. It also doesn’t mean that you have to submit all the time unless that’s been thoroughly pre-negotiated. You should be able to set boundaries you’re comfortable with and expect them to be respected. If that’s not the case, then it’s not the right situation for exploring submission.

2)      There is no such thing as a “true” submissive. There a joke in the BDSM world that whenever someone decries that they are a “twue” dominant or submissive (see the mocking way ‘true’ becomes ‘twue’) that it’s a sure bet that it’s bullshit. The only TRUE rule is for you to maintain your safety, both physically and healthy. Other than that there are a lot of different ways to experience submission.

3)      It is not solely the dominants responsibility to ensure your safety however. You are an adult and need to vocalize your limits: before, during and after the scene if necessary. The person you’re playing with, no matter how experienced they are, will not be a mind-reader. It’s important (and healthier!) for you to spend time exploring your own desires, needs, dis-likes, etc. Whether you’re doing “pick-up play” or are in a long term relationship, your personal insights will make you a stronger & more confident submissive.

4)      There’s a wide range of submissive ‘identities’ that you might resonate with. A ‘SAM’ (Smart Ass Masochist) or a Brat is a submissive that has a bit of a ‘fighting streak’. A service submissive might feel more like a butler or a major domo. A sexual submissive might focus their energies on an erotic, sensual expression. Maybe you’re a ‘power bottom’, someone who likes to submit to the pain but not necessarily the person. Find what works for you.

5)      If you really want your partner, whether it’s for an hour or more integrated into your daily life, to feel dominant with you, then be supportive of their dominance. Unless you have a negotiated ‘bratty’ dynamic, then don’t do things that challenge or undermine their dominance, especially if they’re new too. Don’t be afraid to initiate a scene by offering your ‘services’ in whatever way is appropriate. If you require your dominant to do ALL the ‘work’ of getting a scene started and keeping it going, you might not get as much play as you want. So recognize you’re part of a team.

Dominance and submission is a two way street. It is important for you to get your needs met, but there’s nothing worse than a “do me” submissive if that isn’t a dynamic the dominant wants to play with. Take responsibility for enjoying an exciting sex life and your partner is likely to be just as enthusiastic!

Bawdy Storytelling – The Defiant Balloons

I tell stories a lot.

Some of my friends lovingly call it “The Kali Show” (well, at least they mostly say it lovingly!)

When I meet new people, or am hanging out with friends or am teaching classes…there’s always a story to tell. I like my stories to entertain and inform and since my life is filled with wacky experiences, I have plenty of stories to pick from!

Last Tuesday I was invited to tell a story at the Friday night Bawdy, so of course I said yes! Ever since I moved back to the Bay Area I’ve been looking forward to pitching a story to Bawdy, and when Dixie, the charismatic founder, said the theme would be “Risky Business” I knew the exact story to tell.

Even though I wasn’t able to make it to the dress rehearsal, I was incredibly impressed with the before-show info that Dixie shared. She sent me a super simple but extremely effective ‘storyboard’ tool to help me plot out the steps in the story to make sure I didn’t get distracted and lose my place. Usually I’m a rather organic storyteller so this one page of putting the details down gave me a great outline to follow once I was up on stage.

Since I joined the event on a slightly last minute basis I already had a commitment later in the evening, so Dixie scheduled me as the first story-teller. Thankfully I got there just in time for the night to begin!

The venue is simple and stylish with a bar and a stage and plenty of space for the audience. The room was packed with pretty much all the seats filled and even more people standing in the back. Dixie really does a fantastic job getting the audience ready and even giving some ‘coaching’ on how to be a great audience. I’ve never seen the technique and it was brilliant! There were a lot of newbies in attendance, the vibe was super supportive & excited for the fun.

After an amusing song (Bi-Curious George) by John Woods of the Wet Spots, it was my turn to get on stage.

(the video focuses after the first 30 seconds or so!)

I tried so hard to stay within the 10 minute time-frame, and I would have if I’d have actually STOPPED at the end of the story, but the educator in me felt the need to crystallize the lesson I learned from the experience. I really do love telling a good story, but I almost always feel compelled for it to have a ‘point’, like Aesop’s Fables or something!

Thank you so much to Dixie, to everyone involved with Bawdy Storytelling and to the fantastic audience. Next time I’ll plan my entire evening around it so I can stay and enjoy everyone until the end!

My “Ah-Ha!” moment as a foot fetishist

While riding shotgun with a friend through the Beacon Hill area I noticed a woman walking down the street taking long confident strides and I couldn’t help but catch My breath. As she took each step the hem of Her long tailored pants came up to show a flash of a stiletto heel boot. I could feel Myself getting turned on by the tease of it and suddenly I realized,

I am officially a foot pervert.

It made Me stop and think about the progression of My foot fetish over the last few years. Before I “discovered” the world of BDSM I had never really thought much about My feet. I had always enjoyed long foot massages from my boyfriends and boy-toys and I remember My first slave in high school placing reverential kisses on My feet at the end of My weekly back rub, but I had never zeroed in on the pleasure that can come from extended foot play. When I moved to Boston and placed some pictures on the web looking for modeling jobs I received an invitation to a “foot worship party” in New York City. Though I had never heard the term before, I have considered Myself an Adventurer of Life so I bought a bus ticket and off I went.

What I found there honestly changed My life. I saw men of all ages crawling on the ground kissing, massaging, licking and being stepped on by the feet of all different kinds of Women. For the first hour or so I just walked around watching all the delicious action and absorbing this wonderful new activity that I had never considered before. I don’t remember all the details of My first session but I know that it was his first worship session too and W/we were both delighted by the experience. I started going to New York to attend the foot parties on a monthly basis and learned everything I could from the guys that knelt at My feet; what they enjoyed about feet, what their first foot fetish memory was, the difficulty in finding a “vanilla” Woman who enjoys having her feet worshiped. As time went on I enjoyed My foot sessions more and more and found Myself especially interested in foot domination. This of course led to Me learning more about BDSM as a whole and becoming the Princess you know and adore today.

I have been the Hostess of Footnight New England for over two years now, and every month that I hold an event I am blown away by the feeling of joy I receive at seeing the looks on both the men and the women who attend for the first time. I have had men in their 50’s come to Me with tears in the eyes saying that though they have had the fetish since they were 5 or 6, this is the first time they have ever actually worshiped feet. I have women who attend that come because it sounds interesting and possibly profitable and discover that they genuinely enjoy having a man worship and pamper Her feet.

Now, years later, My foot fetish is a regular part of My lifestyle. I have a few loyal foot slaves who pamper Me with everything from regular pedicures and foot massages to designer shoes and extensive worshiping. I find that a session doesn’t feel complete to Me unless there has been some time spent with My slut sucking on My soles. I enjoy cultivating a strong scent by wearing My socks for a couple of days or slipping on My used slippers before forcing My foot-slut to take long deep inhalations of the pungent odor coming from between My toes. Quite simply My feet will never go unworshiped again!

This was originally posted on my FemDomme porn site PrincessKali.com in 2005

The progression of a professional pervert….

rocks in water smallI’ve always been rather sexually adventurous, so when many people ask me out I got into this profession I explain that it was a rather simple stepping stone process.

I remember when I first started stripping and I found it to be empowering rather than degrading. My self-confidence grew, my assertiveness grew stronger and I found myself more *in* my body than ever before.

When I got into Professional Domination I was 22 and thought it was a blast. It was a way to express my “mean streak” safely and consensually AND get paid for it! Voila! The perfect job. I used to call myself “kinky for cash” because even though I was really good at Domination I still didn’t think (or admit) that I actually was really in to it. All of my sessions, from the very beginning came from a place of authenticity, so when I say kinky for cash I don’t mean to say that I wasn’t genuinely enthusiastic. But I saw it as more of a fun game and a way to earn a good living rather than anything else.

I remember the first time I thought to myself, “Wow, I really am a pervert”. I was in the passenger side seat of a friends car, and looking out the window I saw a women in professional attire including long crease pants, striding down the street. She looked strong and determined which is a look and attitude I’ve always appreciated in women. But then I saw a flash of her high heel as she took a step and the lengthy pants rose up to reveal just a glimpse of the stiletto. I was instantly horny. Which frankly, took me by surprise. That’s when I realized that it was not just a ‘fun job for awhile’ it was something I was really interested in and enjoyed.

Right now I call myself the “theoretical pervert” because I’m working so hard trying to help others explore their kink I don’t have the time or energy to express mine. But that’s something I’m willing to sacrifice for awhile to reach my goals. I can remember being 22 years old and standing on the sidewalk after a session, talking to my mother saying “Mom, it’s not like I’m going to do this forever” and now, 10+ years later, which certainly isn’t forever but it is a damn long time! I have found that sexuality, and most specifically kinky sexuality is a calling for me. Being an educator, being a Pro Domme, being a kinky coach… I’ve had the opportunity to help guide and inspire kinky development and I am completely honored by that.

Teaching Kink is like a Soulgasm

woman sparklersinhandsTeaching kink is totally my high. When I get up in front of a class to present my thoughts and experiences with perversion, I get in a totally euphoric state. After teaching for so many years I’ve thought a lot about why that is, and why it is so thoroughly awesome.

Growing up, it was obvious to me that good girls didn’t really talk about sex, and that bad girls did. And that being a bad girl definitely sounded more fun. I have spent most of my life knowing that the world felt that I was being “inappropriate” whenever I talked about sex, or said sexual words, or acted in sexually curious way. But thankfully I have also spent most of life knowing that “the world” doesn’t always know what’s best.

I’ve always loved the way that people open up to me about their inner most thoughts and desires. That’s heavy stuff, and I feel honored that people feel like they can trust me not to judge them. Because I don’t judge. I mean, I do judge what I personally want to engage in, and which experiences I might personally enjoy. But I DON’T judge whether I think that person is right or wrong to enjoy what they enjoy. As long as it’s between consenting, conscientious adults, then my philosophy is truly, “go for it!”

When I teach to groups, sometimes the class is filled with new adventurers, and some-times it’s filled with those that consider themselves to be a “seen that, done that” crowd. But either way, it’s a challenge for me, and it’s a challenge that really pumps me up.

Anyone who’s seen me teach knows how excited I get. In fact I frequently start the class with a joke about what a happy wiggling little pervert I am. I actually get breathless with the excitement of sharing my positive experiences with groups of people who might then go out and feel a little (or a lot!) better about enjoying what they do. To teach is to learn, and both are incredibly joyful for me. Teaching others continuously inspires me, and it’s an up-lifting experience to also inspire others.

The comment I receive most frequently after my classes is that my enthusiasm is infectious and appreciated (the only time when being called infectious is a good thing ;). I have a very spontaneous style, and even though I always have extensive notes, (easier to steer back from tangents that way!) it is important to me to let the classes happen organically too. I tell stories, I answer questions, I encourage comments. I am both an entertainer and an educator, because I believe that when people are having fun, they learn more. And just as importantly, that if I’m not having fun, then I certainly can’t expect my audience to.

Which why I go into each and every presentation with the express intent of sharing just how much fun this kinky stuff can be. I want to show that it can go far, far beyond the bedroom. It can build self confidence, and emotional intimacy. It can stretch the imagination, and the expectations & assumptions we all have about ourselves and our partners. I get to share that with people on a regular basis, and it’s taught me one thing for certain. That my most treasured experience, and life’s mission is helping others find creativity & acceptance in their sexual proclitivities. Which is why I get in such a tizzy when I’m teaching. It’s like a soul orgasm.

What is the difference between a fetish and a fantasy?

The term “fetish” is used pretty loosely these days to mean anything that really really turns someone on.

But there is an official definition, and here it is…

From Wikipedia.com

Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual arousal a person receives from a physical object, or from a specific situation”

So when the term is used “correctly” it is referencing a sexual need that goes far past desire into necessity. For someone to have a clinical fetish that person would have to have the fetishized item or situation involved 100% of the time in order to reach sexual arousal and climax.

What people frequently mean when they say fetish, is “kink”. Of course, language is fluid. Everyone works from a different internal dictionary and people might have a variety of experiences of words.

I’ve found that “kink” is a more accurate term for most. A good way to look at “having a kink” for something is that it’s an item/activity/situation that you find deeply, consistently erotic but is not necessary for your enjoyment of a sexual encounter.

Kink is also frequently used as an umbrella term for “the lifestyle” or as a sexual orientation. It can be used to describe a collection of activities (“kinky sex” might include some bondage or spanking, etc) that are enjoyed during sexual play.

Fantasies consist of the wide world of your erotic imagination. Having a fantasy about something does NOT mean you actually want it to happen in real life, which is one of the magical things about fantasies. In our minds we can explore experiences that may not even be possible, but are incredibly arousing to think about.

However using fantasies to fulfill a fetish (or kink!) can be a great compromise when the fetish (or kink!) is difficult or impossible to enact. For example, I’ve known many foot fetishists that fantasize about feet while having more traditional sex. This is helpful when one partner isn’t interested in the others fetish (or at least not every time) so that both can still have a happy sex life.

Bottom line, language and terminology are not worth getting hung up on. We fantasize about our fetishes and fetishize our fantasies. As long as we’re all getting (consensually!) what we need to feel sexually satisfied then that’s what’s important!

Struggling With Submission As A Woman

woman on leash smallIn my experience there can be a great deal of guilt on both sides of the D/s dynamic, regardless of gender. So I’m going to do a series of articles about some of the struggles and solutions from each perspective.

I presented one of my favorite ‘conceptual’ classes at Ramabo College, D/s as a Feminist Act and in an email after the class a student shared how the discussion affected her.

“I struggle all the time with my feelings of submission and my relationship with my Dom in my life. For so long I had been struggling with being an assertive dominant extroverted young woman and my deep seeded masochistic desire to submit. I didn’t know other people struggled with these feelings and you really explained everything in a great eye-opening way.  You really gave me so much hope and confidence. When I left I felt so much better about my internal struggle and my D/s relationship.”

It’s not an uncommon internal struggle, with the current climate around feminism the feelings of submission can be confusing. Personally I identify wholly as a dominant (which has its own struggles that I’ll get into in another article) and I had a hard time seeing women submit when I first got into the scene. I was still under the impression that a woman needed to be ‘strong’ in order to be a feminist. But I was proven wrong by every single ‘submissive’ woman that I met. They were strong. They were choosing to submit and there is a huge power in that. It’s a frequent misconception that the submissive doesn’t have any power. In a consensual scene or D/s relationship the submissive always has the right and the power to say no.

I believe that anytime a woman makes her own choice it is a feminist act. Dominant, submissive, kinky, vanilla, frequent or infrequent. Anytime a woman chooses, really chooses to follow her heart and her own integrity, whether it’s sexual or not, that is a feminist act.

Just because someone expresses their sexuality through submission, or enjoy a submissive relationship with someone does not mean that they suddenly become a door-mat. That’s where the power of choice comes in. Anyone who touts that submissives have to be submissive all the time is trying to sell the Brooklyn Bridge. There is no “One Twue Way”. That’s the beauty of being a human being. We are multi-faceted beings so exploring different sides of ourselves is part of the adventure of being alive.

Have you had any struggles with your submissive desires? How have you handled those struggles?