5 Tips For New Submissives

woman submissive boot on backIf you’re starting to explore your submissive side or starting to experiment with dominance & submission in the bedroom, then there are few things that are important to keep in mind. Regardless of what any erotica or fantasy books & movies might show, there is no “one” right way to be submissive. But there are some general rules that can be a good foundation for figuring out what you need.

1)      You only have to be submissive WHEN you want and to WHO you want. Just because you are exploring your submissive desires does not mean you suddenly have to become a doormat. It also doesn’t mean that you have to submit all the time unless that’s been thoroughly pre-negotiated. You should be able to set boundaries you’re comfortable with and expect them to be respected. If that’s not the case, then it’s not the right situation for exploring submission.

2)      There is no such thing as a “true” submissive. There a joke in the BDSM world that whenever someone decries that they are a “twue” dominant or submissive (see the mocking way ‘true’ becomes ‘twue’) that it’s a sure bet that it’s bullshit. The only TRUE rule is for you to maintain your safety, both physically and healthy. Other than that there are a lot of different ways to experience submission.

3)      It is not solely the dominants responsibility to ensure your safety however. You are an adult and need to vocalize your limits: before, during and after the scene if necessary. The person you’re playing with, no matter how experienced they are, will not be a mind-reader. It’s important (and healthier!) for you to spend time exploring your own desires, needs, dis-likes, etc. Whether you’re doing “pick-up play” or are in a long term relationship, your personal insights will make you a stronger & more confident submissive.

4)      There’s a wide range of submissive ‘identities’ that you might resonate with. A ‘SAM’ (Smart Ass Masochist) or a Brat is a submissive that has a bit of a ‘fighting streak’. A service submissive might feel more like a butler or a major domo. A sexual submissive might focus their energies on an erotic, sensual expression. Maybe you’re a ‘power bottom’, someone who likes to submit to the pain but not necessarily the person. Find what works for you.

5)      If you really want your partner, whether it’s for an hour or more integrated into your daily life, to feel dominant with you, then be supportive of their dominance. Unless you have a negotiated ‘bratty’ dynamic, then don’t do things that challenge or undermine their dominance, especially if they’re new too. Don’t be afraid to initiate a scene by offering your ‘services’ in whatever way is appropriate. If you require your dominant to do ALL the ‘work’ of getting a scene started and keeping it going, you might not get as much play as you want. So recognize you’re part of a team.

Dominance and submission is a two way street. It is important for you to get your needs met, but there’s nothing worse than a “do me” submissive if that isn’t a dynamic the dominant wants to play with. Take responsibility for enjoying an exciting sex life and your partner is likely to be just as enthusiastic!

Struggling With Submission As A Woman

woman on leash smallIn my experience there can be a great deal of guilt on both sides of the D/s dynamic, regardless of gender. So I’m going to do a series of articles about some of the struggles and solutions from each perspective.

I presented one of my favorite ‘conceptual’ classes at Ramabo College, D/s as a Feminist Act and in an email after the class a student shared how the discussion affected her.

“I struggle all the time with my feelings of submission and my relationship with my Dom in my life. For so long I had been struggling with being an assertive dominant extroverted young woman and my deep seeded masochistic desire to submit. I didn’t know other people struggled with these feelings and you really explained everything in a great eye-opening way.  You really gave me so much hope and confidence. When I left I felt so much better about my internal struggle and my D/s relationship.”

It’s not an uncommon internal struggle, with the current climate around feminism the feelings of submission can be confusing. Personally I identify wholly as a dominant (which has its own struggles that I’ll get into in another article) and I had a hard time seeing women submit when I first got into the scene. I was still under the impression that a woman needed to be ‘strong’ in order to be a feminist. But I was proven wrong by every single ‘submissive’ woman that I met. They were strong. They were choosing to submit and there is a huge power in that. It’s a frequent misconception that the submissive doesn’t have any power. In a consensual scene or D/s relationship the submissive always has the right and the power to say no.

I believe that anytime a woman makes her own choice it is a feminist act. Dominant, submissive, kinky, vanilla, frequent or infrequent. Anytime a woman chooses, really chooses to follow her heart and her own integrity, whether it’s sexual or not, that is a feminist act.

Just because someone expresses their sexuality through submission, or enjoy a submissive relationship with someone does not mean that they suddenly become a door-mat. That’s where the power of choice comes in. Anyone who touts that submissives have to be submissive all the time is trying to sell the Brooklyn Bridge. There is no “One Twue Way”. That’s the beauty of being a human being. We are multi-faceted beings so exploring different sides of ourselves is part of the adventure of being alive.

Have you had any struggles with your submissive desires? How have you handled those struggles?



Sexy Restraints!

couple with man in handcuffsRestraints are part of a wide range of fantasies. There are a handful of reasons why restraints are so popular, one of the most frequent reasons is the release of control. Letting go of control can lead to powerful connections and powerful orgasms (even better when those are happening at the same time!).

For women, using restraints can be a great way to get around that pesky virgin/whore dynamic that can be ingrained in a variety of ways. Once a woman gives consent (and consent is really, really important!) to being restrained then the ‘guilt’ that might go along with being a sexual person can disappear. Not being able to ‘get away’ can allow for attention to focus sharply on the sexual excitement that’s being felt.

Men can enjoy restraint as a way to let go of the social pressure to always be in control. Once a man is restrained he can relax and enjoy being a ‘sex object’ which is not a traditional position for men to be in. With men in restraint the social convention that ‘men are the aggressors’ gets turned on its head.

Beyond genders and social constructions, being restrained is just plain sexy! Struggling against the bondage, being able to wiggle and squirm yet not being able to escape…..

There are a lot of different types of bondage, as a small sampling: rope, scarves & ties, saran wrap, bondage tape, leather cuffs, metal shackles, and even toilet paper! It all depends on the sensations you and your partner enjoy and the level of commitment you want to make in building your bondage collection. You can keep it extremely low cost and use rope from a home improvement store or saran wrap from the grocery store. Or you can purchase specialized restraints to suit your desires.

With any kind of bondage, safety is the number one concern. Keep the restraint sexy by keeping it safe. Know your knots. Communicate about physical and psychological responses. Make sure a safe way to release the restraints close by. Start with a small amount of restraint and build towards more complicated situations (if that’s what you desire). Keeping it simple, and safe is a path to success!

Keeping Your Kinky Connection, Even With a Busy Schedule

Stopwatch in a handMany couples that enjoy kinky sex and/ or relationship structures feel that it’s important for BDSM to not be just something that is done in the bedroom but rather as a way to live life. For others kinky sex is something fun to explore but only in the bedroom.

Regardless, keeping kink in your life with a busy schedule can seem daunting, but it doesn’t have to be. There are a lot of ‘little’ ways to keep your pervy motor running even when there doesn’t seem to be an extra minute in the day.

Actually, that’s a great place to start….one minute. If you have a dominant/submissive relationship then take a moment in the morning and the evening to enjoy an affirmation of your dynamic. If you’re the dominant, look your submissive in the eye and give them a command, even if it’s about something practical. Doing the laundry can get a lot sexier when it comes from a dominant order to Get. It.Done.

If you don’t enjoy D/s and are more of a fetishist. Take that minute to focus on your fetish together. Into spanking? Give a quick smack on the ass when no one is looking. Into leather? Keep a pair of nice gloves ‘handy’ (see what I did there ;) or if you’re into sploshing swipe a finger full of whip-cream across your partners cheek.

See! Even with just a minute or two you can indulge your kinky desires so that when you do have some time to luxuriate in sexiness, you’ll have been keeping in touch which makes it faster and easier to get to your kinky goodness.

50 Ways to Get Started Having Kinky Sex

Here, I present to you a long list of ways to have kinkier sex. It is not by any stretch of the imagination the only ways, and some options may be obvious for some people but inspiring for others. All links go to KinkAcademy.com and PassionateU.com for video supplemental information. Just click through the waiver and you’ll be able to check out all the videos the membership based site has to offer. Some of the videos are more explicit than others, so viewers beware!

  1. Leave the lights on
  2. Learn about what kind of kinky fun you’re interested in
  3. Enjoy a nice dinner, a glass of wine perhaps and negotiate what you both want to experience
  4. Decide on a ‘safeword’ that either of you can use to put a halt on the kinky play if you need to.
  5. Read erotica while your partner rubs your feet. Take your time with your favorite sexy scenes
  6. Look directly into each others eyes as you ravish each other
  7. Push your partner up against a wall for a deep passionate kiss
  8. Use a blind-fold with your regular activities
  9. Use a blind-fold & explore other heightened senses
  10. “Give Up” control to your partner and be their ‘sex slave’ for the night
  11. “Take” control of your partner and use sexy, sensual and kinky commands to direct the action
  12. Hold your partners hands above their head firmly while you’re in the missionary position
  13. If you usually keep quiet during sex, then let those sounds out! Usually loud? Try keeping quiet.
  14. Grab your partner’s hair firmly at the nape of their neck and pull them into a passionate kiss.
  15. Explore a friendly sex toy shop online & pick out a fun sex toy, ben-wa balls are pretty popular!
  16. Use a silk tie to gently tie your partners hands to each other, so she can still move them around
  17. Use a silk tie to gently tie your partners’ hands to the bed, there’s no getting away now!
  18. Role-play a classic power dynamic: doctor/patient, boss/employee ,
  19. She can dress up in silk stockings and a black lace nighty. Don’t forget the high heels!
  20. Explore body parts other than the ‘expected’ sexual organs. Feet, hands, legs, necks are all just as yummy!
  21. A light spanking can be super-hot! Make sure you keep the sexy smacks on the fleshy part of their ass.
  22. Using the pads of your fingers, lightly squeeze your partners nipples until you hear a soft, sexy gasp
  23. Drip some ice cream on your partners stomach or drip some on your own, with a sensual tongue to clean up
  24. Buy a leather paddle to take the spanking up a notch, a little goes a long way with spanking!
  25. In safe public locations, have a make-out session. Know that people might be watching, but you just don’t care!
  26. Kiss your partner’s body all over, from head to toe. Make the kisses a special kind of sexual worship
  27. Buy a nice riding crop and have your partner use light slaps on all your naughty bits.
  28. Lie together naked in the dark & whisper your kinkiest fantasies into each other’s ears in between kisses
  29. Practice the ‘dirtiest’ words that turn you on and use them the next time you’re getting hot & heavy.
  30. Look around your house for items that you can use on each others bodies to explore new sensations.
  31. Have a tickle contest! Or gently tie your partner to the bed and tickle them until they beg for mercy
  32. Using a cock-ring will help him stay harder than usual & stay harder longer!
  33. Lie next to each other or facing each other and masturbate so you watch each other.
  34. When you’re out at dinner, she can take her panties off and subtly put them in his pocket.
  35. Try ‘sensory deprivation’ with a blindfold & a pair of ear-buds in your partners ears playing sexy music
  36. Enjoy a little oral loving…take your time to pleasure your partner luxuriously.
  37. Ready to take your bondage to the next level? Buy a pair of hand-cuffs & keep the key handy!
  38. A consensual ‘struggle’ means you try to ‘get away’ even though you want to get caught!
  39. Try an exhibitionist/voyeur scene – she can strip slowly out of lingerie while he watches
  40. Use a special sex-soy-candle to enjoy particularly ‘hot’ sex. Make sure you use the right kind of candle to avoid un-wanted burns!
  41. Now for a little cold play! He can softly ease ice cubes into her hot parts and lick until the ice cubes melt
  42. Go to a bar or restaurant and ‘pick up’ your partner, pretending to be strangers. Get a hotel room to help it feel more scandalous.
  43. High heels can be an excellent sexual accessory! She can leave them on while being taken from behind
  44. Try out different styles of dominance: cold & distant, sensual & teasing, tough & rough.
  45. Pick something that you’ll like to get ‘punished’ for (eye rolls anyone?!) and let your partner ‘teach you a lesson’
  46. A flogger is another classic kinky toy. Make sure you learn how to use it though, it’s only fun until someone puts out an eye!
  47. Digital photos can be another fun way to explore exhibitionism & voyeurism. Take as many as you want & keep them in a ‘secret’ folder, or for even more privacy, enjoy the photo shoot then hit that delete button!
  48. Using her hand, she can wrap her hand around his cock & balls to create a cock-ring, and gentle pressure usually feels really good for him.
  49. Nipple clips are another sexy, kinky addition to your bedroom play. But keep it light until you’re both comfortable with more intense sensations.
  50.  Try a new position! If you’re used to doing it in the missionary position mix it up, try doggie style, spooning, sitting on a chair, woman on top…the options are almost endless!


Bringing Fifty Shades of Grey into Your Bedroom

Man and womanThere has been a lot of hype around the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. As someone who has enjoyed “kinky fuckery” for the majority of both my personal and professional lives, I found this phenomenon incredibly interesting. Some of the media coverage and article titles were as sensationalistic as would be expected “Mommy Porn Explodes!” & “Is middle America getting kinky?” and others along those lines. It was even on the cover of Time magazine.

Many of the articles written by sexuality educators and sex bloggers tore the book apart, and frankly the first review of the book that I wrote was pretty ferociously against the “horribly written and almost entirely inaccurate portrayal of Dominance and submission” that the book portrayed. I haven’t posted that review, mostly because I’m still not entirely sure how I feel about the whole trend.

Although most of My colleagues were horrified by the idea, I forced myself to read all three. The writing was sophomoric and repetitive, any avid reader would comment on that. The sex scenes weren’t exactly inspired, especially for a connoisseur of erotica. But I’ve come to realize that the 50 Shades trilogy is the modern edition of the “romance novel” that has been enjoyed for decades. Women are proven to enjoy reading about the intricacies of how a sexual experience develops rather than just a visual with no story line. Erotica allows each reader to create their own version in their head, which is just plain hot.

For a part of society (aka “middle America”) that hasn’t had a sexual revolution of any kind in years, it’s not that surprising that these books have become a sensation. They are the “sex books” that society says it’s ok to read, because everyone else is doing it (and not only that but they’re talking about it!). For that I am grateful to the discussion that these books have driven and even more surprisingly are still driving. Even on the tail end of all the hype, people are still reading, still interested and still inspired.

That is by far the greatest gifts these books have given America. Inspiration to talk about, as well as enjoy a more creative sex life. A sex life with more passion, although it’s a rare couple that can keep up with Ana & Christian’s 5 times a day sex count! In my opinion anytime a woman feels freer to talk about their own desires, even though a device such as these books, their life is going to get better and so are their partners. A healthier and more connected sex life improves overall health. It’s a fact.

So today, as I was reading yet another article about 50 Shades I realized that I have something special to offer those women and couples that have been inspired to enjoy a little “kinky fuckery” in their own lives. Many of those that have found themselves at the end of the books (perhaps after the 12th time they’ve been read) there may be a bit of uncertainty about how to implement all these “kinky” things that are turning on new desires. That’s where I can help. I’ve been coaching individuals & couples to explore kink at their own level, in their own interests for more than a decade. In fact I particularly love working with new sexual adventurers. I own and run a website called KinkAcademy.com which covers a very large breadth of kinky interests, but that may be too intense for someone who’s just starting.

What’s really needed is a gentle introduction into how to incorporate the hottest part of your new fantasies into the bedroom. How to actually put them into play if you’ve never delved into Dominance & submission, or more intense sensation play (ie spanking, light bondage, tickling, etc).

The books are a great starting off place, but if you are interested in actually experiencing what you read about it 50 Shades of Grey (maybe a little less, maybe a little more…) then I can help you with that. My personal coaching sessions are designed for just such a thing. After spending $30 or more on the books, doesn’t it make sense to invest a little more to learn how to put it into play in the bedroom? Learn how to keep things hot in an already established relationship or learn how to ask for what you want in a future relationship. In fact I can even help you figure out exactly what it IS that you want.

Check out my Coaching page to read more about my philosophy, and when you’re ready to make the leap and really & truly improve your sexual experiences for the rest of your life, check out my Services page to see what package would be right for you.

I look forward to helping you enjoy all the kinky fuckery you want and to your own feelings described in the Red Room even if you don’t have a mansion of an apartment to create one in!

ps – you can also see a great tongue-in-cheek parody of the books by Saturday Night Live here!