In my experience there can be a great deal of guilt on both sides of the D/s dynamic, regardless of gender. So I’m going to do a series of articles about some of the struggles and solutions from each perspective.
I presented one of my favorite ‘conceptual’ classes at Ramabo College, D/s as a Feminist Act and in an email after the class a student shared how the discussion affected her.
“I struggle all the time with my feelings of submission and my relationship with my Dom in my life. For so long I had been struggling with being an assertive dominant extroverted young woman and my deep seeded masochistic desire to submit. I didn’t know other people struggled with these feelings and you really explained everything in a great eye-opening way. You really gave me so much hope and confidence. When I left I felt so much better about my internal struggle and my D/s relationship.”
It’s not an uncommon internal struggle, with the current climate around feminism the feelings of submission can be confusing. Personally I identify wholly as a dominant (which has its own struggles that I’ll get into in another article) and I had a hard time seeing women submit when I first got into the scene. I was still under the impression that a woman needed to be ‘strong’ in order to be a feminist. But I was proven wrong by every single ‘submissive’ woman that I met. They were strong. They were choosing to submit and there is a huge power in that. It’s a frequent misconception that the submissive doesn’t have any power. In a consensual scene or D/s relationship the submissive always has the right and the power to say no.
I believe that anytime a woman makes her own choice it is a feminist act. Dominant, submissive, kinky, vanilla, frequent or infrequent. Anytime a woman chooses, really chooses to follow her heart and her own integrity, whether it’s sexual or not, that is a feminist act.
Just because someone expresses their sexuality through submission, or enjoy a submissive relationship with someone does not mean that they suddenly become a door-mat. That’s where the power of choice comes in. Anyone who touts that submissives have to be submissive all the time is trying to sell the Brooklyn Bridge. There is no “One Twue Way”. That’s the beauty of being a human being. We are multi-faceted beings so exploring different sides of ourselves is part of the adventure of being alive.
Have you had any struggles with your submissive desires? How have you handled those struggles?