The progression of a professional pervert….

rocks in water smallI’ve always been rather sexually adventurous, so when many people ask me out I got into this profession I explain that it was a rather simple stepping stone process.

I remember when I first started stripping and I found it to be empowering rather than degrading. My self-confidence grew, my assertiveness grew stronger and I found myself more *in* my body than ever before.

When I got into Professional Domination I was 22 and thought it was a blast. It was a way to express my “mean streak” safely and consensually AND get paid for it! Voila! The perfect job. I used to call myself “kinky for cash” because even though I was really good at Domination I still didn’t think (or admit) that I actually was really in to it. All of my sessions, from the very beginning came from a place of authenticity, so when I say kinky for cash I don’t mean to say that I wasn’t genuinely enthusiastic. But I saw it as more of a fun game and a way to earn a good living rather than anything else.

I remember the first time I thought to myself, “Wow, I really am a pervert”. I was in the passenger side seat of a friends car, and looking out the window I saw a women in professional attire including long crease pants, striding down the street. She looked strong and determined which is a look and attitude I’ve always appreciated in women. But then I saw a flash of her high heel as she took a step and the lengthy pants rose up to reveal just a glimpse of the stiletto. I was instantly horny. Which frankly, took me by surprise. That’s when I realized that it was not just a ‘fun job for awhile’ it was something I was really interested in and enjoyed.

Right now I call myself the “theoretical pervert” because I’m working so hard trying to help others explore their kink I don’t have the time or energy to express mine. But that’s something I’m willing to sacrifice for awhile to reach my goals. I can remember being 22 years old and standing on the sidewalk after a session, talking to my mother saying “Mom, it’s not like I’m going to do this forever” and now, 10+ years later, which certainly isn’t forever but it is a damn long time! I have found that sexuality, and most specifically kinky sexuality is a calling for me. Being an educator, being a Pro Domme, being a kinky coach… I’ve had the opportunity to help guide and inspire kinky development and I am completely honored by that.

Teaching Kink is like a Soulgasm

woman sparklersinhandsTeaching kink is totally my high. When I get up in front of a class to present my thoughts and experiences with perversion, I get in a totally euphoric state. After teaching for so many years I’ve thought a lot about why that is, and why it is so thoroughly awesome.

Growing up, it was obvious to me that good girls didn’t really talk about sex, and that bad girls did. And that being a bad girl definitely sounded more fun. I have spent most of my life knowing that the world felt that I was being “inappropriate” whenever I talked about sex, or said sexual words, or acted in sexually curious way. But thankfully I have also spent most of life knowing that “the world” doesn’t always know what’s best.

I’ve always loved the way that people open up to me about their inner most thoughts and desires. That’s heavy stuff, and I feel honored that people feel like they can trust me not to judge them. Because I don’t judge. I mean, I do judge what I personally want to engage in, and which experiences I might personally enjoy. But I DON’T judge whether I think that person is right or wrong to enjoy what they enjoy. As long as it’s between consenting, conscientious adults, then my philosophy is truly, “go for it!”

When I teach to groups, sometimes the class is filled with new adventurers, and some-times it’s filled with those that consider themselves to be a “seen that, done that” crowd. But either way, it’s a challenge for me, and it’s a challenge that really pumps me up.

Anyone who’s seen me teach knows how excited I get. In fact I frequently start the class with a joke about what a happy wiggling little pervert I am. I actually get breathless with the excitement of sharing my positive experiences with groups of people who might then go out and feel a little (or a lot!) better about enjoying what they do. To teach is to learn, and both are incredibly joyful for me. Teaching others continuously inspires me, and it’s an up-lifting experience to also inspire others.

The comment I receive most frequently after my classes is that my enthusiasm is infectious and appreciated (the only time when being called infectious is a good thing ;). I have a very spontaneous style, and even though I always have extensive notes, (easier to steer back from tangents that way!) it is important to me to let the classes happen organically too. I tell stories, I answer questions, I encourage comments. I am both an entertainer and an educator, because I believe that when people are having fun, they learn more. And just as importantly, that if I’m not having fun, then I certainly can’t expect my audience to.

Which why I go into each and every presentation with the express intent of sharing just how much fun this kinky stuff can be. I want to show that it can go far, far beyond the bedroom. It can build self confidence, and emotional intimacy. It can stretch the imagination, and the expectations & assumptions we all have about ourselves and our partners. I get to share that with people on a regular basis, and it’s taught me one thing for certain. That my most treasured experience, and life’s mission is helping others find creativity & acceptance in their sexual proclitivities. Which is why I get in such a tizzy when I’m teaching. It’s like a soul orgasm.

What is the difference between a fetish and a fantasy?

The term “fetish” is used pretty loosely these days to mean anything that really really turns someone on.

But there is an official definition, and here it is…

From Wikipedia.com

Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual arousal a person receives from a physical object, or from a specific situation”

So when the term is used “correctly” it is referencing a sexual need that goes far past desire into necessity. For someone to have a clinical fetish that person would have to have the fetishized item or situation involved 100% of the time in order to reach sexual arousal and climax.

What people frequently mean when they say fetish, is “kink”. Of course, language is fluid. Everyone works from a different internal dictionary and people might have a variety of experiences of words.

I’ve found that “kink” is a more accurate term for most. A good way to look at “having a kink” for something is that it’s an item/activity/situation that you find deeply, consistently erotic but is not necessary for your enjoyment of a sexual encounter.

Kink is also frequently used as an umbrella term for “the lifestyle” or as a sexual orientation. It can be used to describe a collection of activities (“kinky sex” might include some bondage or spanking, etc) that are enjoyed during sexual play.

Fantasies consist of the wide world of your erotic imagination. Having a fantasy about something does NOT mean you actually want it to happen in real life, which is one of the magical things about fantasies. In our minds we can explore experiences that may not even be possible, but are incredibly arousing to think about.

However using fantasies to fulfill a fetish (or kink!) can be a great compromise when the fetish (or kink!) is difficult or impossible to enact. For example, I’ve known many foot fetishists that fantasize about feet while having more traditional sex. This is helpful when one partner isn’t interested in the others fetish (or at least not every time) so that both can still have a happy sex life.

Bottom line, language and terminology are not worth getting hung up on. We fantasize about our fetishes and fetishize our fantasies. As long as we’re all getting (consensually!) what we need to feel sexually satisfied then that’s what’s important!

Struggling With Submission As A Woman

woman on leash smallIn my experience there can be a great deal of guilt on both sides of the D/s dynamic, regardless of gender. So I’m going to do a series of articles about some of the struggles and solutions from each perspective.

I presented one of my favorite ‘conceptual’ classes at Ramabo College, D/s as a Feminist Act and in an email after the class a student shared how the discussion affected her.

“I struggle all the time with my feelings of submission and my relationship with my Dom in my life. For so long I had been struggling with being an assertive dominant extroverted young woman and my deep seeded masochistic desire to submit. I didn’t know other people struggled with these feelings and you really explained everything in a great eye-opening way.  You really gave me so much hope and confidence. When I left I felt so much better about my internal struggle and my D/s relationship.”

It’s not an uncommon internal struggle, with the current climate around feminism the feelings of submission can be confusing. Personally I identify wholly as a dominant (which has its own struggles that I’ll get into in another article) and I had a hard time seeing women submit when I first got into the scene. I was still under the impression that a woman needed to be ‘strong’ in order to be a feminist. But I was proven wrong by every single ‘submissive’ woman that I met. They were strong. They were choosing to submit and there is a huge power in that. It’s a frequent misconception that the submissive doesn’t have any power. In a consensual scene or D/s relationship the submissive always has the right and the power to say no.

I believe that anytime a woman makes her own choice it is a feminist act. Dominant, submissive, kinky, vanilla, frequent or infrequent. Anytime a woman chooses, really chooses to follow her heart and her own integrity, whether it’s sexual or not, that is a feminist act.

Just because someone expresses their sexuality through submission, or enjoy a submissive relationship with someone does not mean that they suddenly become a door-mat. That’s where the power of choice comes in. Anyone who touts that submissives have to be submissive all the time is trying to sell the Brooklyn Bridge. There is no “One Twue Way”. That’s the beauty of being a human being. We are multi-faceted beings so exploring different sides of ourselves is part of the adventure of being alive.

Have you had any struggles with your submissive desires? How have you handled those struggles?

 

 

Sexy Consent

woman thumps up smallSexual Consent is a hot topic these days & rightfully so. You can give & receive consent in sexy ways, keeping boundaries clear * and* keeping the sexy mood going.

The most important thing is recognizing how important clear, informed consent is as a vital part of healthy sexual experiences. Making sure everyone is comfortable with what’s happening should be addressed whether it’s in a sexy way or not. But there *are* ways to ‘boundary check’ without interrupting the action.

1)      You can use pre-negotiation as foreplay. Getting to know what turns you partner on (and what would put the brakes on that arousal) will help you both get what you need out of the experience. This is especially true when you’re new lovers, but even long-time partners can do a ‘consent check-in’ every once in a while, tastes and boundaries do change and there needs to be an open conversation to share those changes.

2)      You can make it into a game while you’re in the middle of sexual exploration. As long as there isn’t a feeling of pressure behind the questions, then it can be as simple as “would you like me to…” or “would it feel good if I …” with responses like “yes I would like you to…” or “No, that wouldn’t feel good right now but I’d love it if you…” Keeping the tone sincerely light and playful gives you all room to answer honestly.

3)      For BDSM it can be especially helpful to communicate through writing establishing without a doubt what is consensual and what would be non-consensual. When there are complex activities having clearly drawn lines can prevent unintended consequences. Let me repeat though, it can HELP prevent bad experiences, but it doesn’t guarantee a good one. That’s why, even with written consent (by the way, dirty talk isn’t automatically consent, but that’s for another article) it’s important to find straightforward ways to communicate with your partner about consent in a light-hearted, easy going way.

Remember that consent is only valid when that person is coherent and aware of any risks. Inebriation of any form makes consent an even murkier pool, so error on the side of caution and respect boundaries & you’ll actually end up having way more sexy fun!

 

5 Things To Remember As A New Dominant

woman dominatrix 3 smallEveryone has to start somewhere. Even if we have a naturally dominant nature, putting that to use in a D/s context can have its challenges. There are a lot of novels & fantasy stories about how ‘easily’ it all comes when someone is a “true dominant”, but this isn’t any more accurate than saying how ‘easy ‘ it is when someone is a “true submissive”. Those tendencies might come naturally, but fine-tuning them is when it rolls into D/s territory.

So as you’re learning how to be a sexual dominant, there are a few helpful things to remember. These suggestions will keep you from going crazy and will help keep your submissive from being confused. Of course you’ll need to fit them within your own specific dynamic, but the ‘rules’ hold true for anyone just starting out.

1)      They can not read your mind. Even though it is tempting to think that now you have a submissive you’ll have someone to anticipate your every need. But it doesn’t work like that, at least not right away. You need to be very clear about what you want and how you want it. Clarity of communication in the beginning will create the foundation for the ease of service they’ll have after a while of submitting to you.

2)      You do not have to fit into a stereotype of dominance. We’ve all read the books and seen the moves and watched the online porn, but those archetypes are there as inspiration, not for emulation. If you don’t like being an “angry” dominant then don’t (and be sure to ready #3 below!) and if you don’t like being a sensual ‘soft’ dominant then don’t do that either. Find a style that suits you as an individual and ignore anything that says how dominance “should be”.

3)      Do not, I repeat do NOT, dominate out of anger. The energy of anger can be dangerous within a BDSM context. When we’re angry, it’s easy to lose control or miss important communication signals from our partner. When anger comes into the equation there is a lot more likelihood that an experience will go from consensual D/s to abusive experience faster than you’d think. Being conscious of dominant and submissive tendencies, and cultivating them, can provide a structure for abuse, even when it isn’t malicious or intended. So just don’t ever engage in BDSM, whether it’s impact play or emotional play, when you’re angry.

4)      Safety comes first. It’s easy to feel like a super-hero when someone submits to you. It’s easy to get focused on the “goal” of a scene rather than the person you’re playing with. And it’s really easy to over-estimate our own abilities, particularly when we really really want to do something. So within the excitement your feel, make sure that your awareness of safety, both physical and emotional, always stays in place. Go slow, it’s easier to push harder than it is to pull back.

5)      Take it slow! I know I just said that, but I also know how exhilarating it can be to explore your desires, whether they’re newly realized or have been simmering in your thoughts for ages. It’s natural for some people to want to do ALL-THE-THINGS and that includes your submissive. But it’s important that you take the lead here (you ARE the dominant after all!) and pace your playing so that you each get comfortable with a new activity or a new experience at your own pace. I describe it like a buffet, you don’t want to run down the aisle stuffing everything in your mouth at once. It’s more delicious to enjoy each flavor on its own.

So if you keep at least these 5 things in mind, you’ll set yourself up for success and you’ll be a better dominant for it!

Sexy Restraints!

couple with man in handcuffsRestraints are part of a wide range of fantasies. There are a handful of reasons why restraints are so popular, one of the most frequent reasons is the release of control. Letting go of control can lead to powerful connections and powerful orgasms (even better when those are happening at the same time!).

For women, using restraints can be a great way to get around that pesky virgin/whore dynamic that can be ingrained in a variety of ways. Once a woman gives consent (and consent is really, really important!) to being restrained then the ‘guilt’ that might go along with being a sexual person can disappear. Not being able to ‘get away’ can allow for attention to focus sharply on the sexual excitement that’s being felt.

Men can enjoy restraint as a way to let go of the social pressure to always be in control. Once a man is restrained he can relax and enjoy being a ‘sex object’ which is not a traditional position for men to be in. With men in restraint the social convention that ‘men are the aggressors’ gets turned on its head.

Beyond genders and social constructions, being restrained is just plain sexy! Struggling against the bondage, being able to wiggle and squirm yet not being able to escape…..

There are a lot of different types of bondage, as a small sampling: rope, scarves & ties, saran wrap, bondage tape, leather cuffs, metal shackles, and even toilet paper! It all depends on the sensations you and your partner enjoy and the level of commitment you want to make in building your bondage collection. You can keep it extremely low cost and use rope from a home improvement store or saran wrap from the grocery store. Or you can purchase specialized restraints to suit your desires.

With any kind of bondage, safety is the number one concern. Keep the restraint sexy by keeping it safe. Know your knots. Communicate about physical and psychological responses. Make sure a safe way to release the restraints close by. Start with a small amount of restraint and build towards more complicated situations (if that’s what you desire). Keeping it simple, and safe is a path to success!

A Lull in the Libido

couple couch bored smallIt’s natural in any long term relationship to find lulls in your libidos. There are a lot of possible factors: to busy, to tired, focus on work, stress at home, body image issues and sometimes our libidos go into hibernation for no discernible reason. Of course this is only a problem, well, if it’s a problem. It’s most difficult when one partner is feeling the lull and the other isn’t. Or perhaps you’re both feeling it and you’d like to figure out a way to connect anyway. Regardless it’s important to at least keep a small flame burning for your sexual selves, it’s a lot easier to keep a fire going than it is to start one from scratch. Here are some suggestions to keep that sexual connection.

  1. The moment your idea of ‘sex’ expands, the more your possibilities of enjoying ‘sex’ at whatever level will be the most pleasurable for you & your partner. Yes, the actual word sex tends to mean coitus or intercourse, but I’m talking about the concept of sex. There are a lot of expressions of our sexual and sensual selves without focus on the orgasm, and without the pressure of ‘going all the way’.
  2. Even if you can’t have a “full” sexual experience, it is still important to stay in physical contact with each other, otherwise a chasm can be created that takes a lot of bridge-building to get to the other side. The touch can be affectionate, sensual, to comfort as well as being overtly sexy. I’m talking skin to skin here people. Wrists and hands are easy access can if you go beyond hands as mere tools, to see them as a way to seduce each other, then some very sexy connections can be made through holding hands and purposefully being sensual with your hands, even in public.
  3. Snuggling is great, as long as it is clear for both partners what the intention is. If one partner is expecting the snuggle time to lead to sex time, and the other partner really just wants to be close without being sexual, there’s the strong possibility that it will end up disappointing for the both of you.
  4. Same thing with kissing. Soft sweet kisses or long passionate make-outs, if they can be appreciated without the expectation of going any further, then you can both relax and enjoy the experience without any pressure or concern.

It is likely that at some point that libido will come out of hiding, whether because of a trigger of life improvement or because the horniness just springs up (it’s been known to happen!) but no matter when or how it happens, remember to be gentle with each other. We are made of bodies, minds and souls and unfortunately, they’re not always in sync.

But patience wins out in this case, because usually when the libido returns, the ‘lost’ time is made up for!

Getting Bare!

I was super excited to participate in Bare! True Stories of Sex, Desire and Romance this week as my last appearance in Boston before moving West (I’ll be back in Boston soon enough to visit!) I had a great time telling stories (I always do :) and though we didn’t catch it in the video, Jefferson, the organizer & MC gave me a really lovely introduction. So here you go, enjoy “Shenanigans in Las Vegas!”

Kinky Polyamory

man lying with two girlsA while back I did an interview with Cunning Minx for her podcast Poly Weekly and we talked about being poly AND kinky. I shared my experience of having multiple submissives for many years and that even though we didn’t have a traditionally “sexual” relationship I still identified (and still do) as poly because the important aspects of emotional support, communication and fulfilling needs were a big part of our relationships.

Not all poly people are “kinky” and not all kinky people are poly. But polyamory is pretty common in the kinky world, there’s a lot of cross over.

Kinky-polyamory might be based on Power Dynamics and the hierarchy of each of the individuals within that Dynamic. Four examples of how this type of structure may work are:

  • One Dominant that has a relationship with each submissive, but the submissives don’t interact.
  • One Dominant that has relationships with multiple submissives who also have relationships with the other submissives
  • Two Dominants in a relationship might share a submissive
  • A Submissive may serve in different capacities for multiple Dominants.

As some like to joke “Polyamory is about having relationships in which you might fuck. Swinging is fucking without the *need* for a relationship” and I’ve personally found that true. Even though I don’t have actual intercourse with my submissives (I currently have more than 4 active submissives) I still feel very connected to them and their well-being.

Kinky-Polyamory may also be based on activity without any power dynamic at all. Different relationships might be built on shared interests, for example someone might do bondage scenes with one person and impact play with someone else.

Regardless of what ‘kind’ of kinky-poly relationship you’re in (or want to be in) be prepared to deal with similar issues from BOTH sides. Luckily, a few of Kink Academy educators have some suggestions on how to do that!

Pitfalls of Non-Monogamy by Makael Newby

Polyamory Tools by Sarah Sloane

Have you ever been in a kinky-poly relationship? If so, what was it like? If not, have you ever thought about it?