5 Tips For New Submissives

October 2, 2013 by Leave a Comment

woman submissive boot on backIf you’re starting to explore your submissive side or starting to experiment with dominance & submission in the bedroom, then there are few things that are important to keep in mind. Regardless of what any erotica or fantasy books & movies might show, there is no “one” right way to be submissive. But there are some general rules that can be a good foundation for figuring out what you need.

1)      You only have to be submissive WHEN you want and to WHO you want. Just because you are exploring your submissive desires does not mean you suddenly have to become a doormat. It also doesn’t mean that you have to submit all the time unless that’s been thoroughly pre-negotiated. You should be able to set boundaries you’re comfortable with and expect them to be respected. If that’s not the case, then it’s not the right situation for exploring submission.

2)      There is no such thing as a “true” submissive. There a joke in the BDSM world that whenever someone decries that they are a “twue” dominant or submissive (see the mocking way ‘true’ becomes ‘twue’) that it’s a sure bet that it’s bullshit. The only TRUE rule is for you to maintain your safety, both physically and healthy. Other than that there are a lot of different ways to experience submission.

3)      It is not solely the dominants responsibility to ensure your safety however. You are an adult and need to vocalize your limits: before, during and after the scene if necessary. The person you’re playing with, no matter how experienced they are, will not be a mind-reader. It’s important (and healthier!) for you to spend time exploring your own desires, needs, dis-likes, etc. Whether you’re doing “pick-up play” or are in a long term relationship, your personal insights will make you a stronger & more confident submissive.

4)      There’s a wide range of submissive ‘identities’ that you might resonate with. A ‘SAM’ (Smart Ass Masochist) or a Brat is a submissive that has a bit of a ‘fighting streak’. A service submissive might feel more like a butler or a major domo. A sexual submissive might focus their energies on an erotic, sensual expression. Maybe you’re a ‘power bottom’, someone who likes to submit to the pain but not necessarily the person. Find what works for you.

5)      If you really want your partner, whether it’s for an hour or more integrated into your daily life, to feel dominant with you, then be supportive of their dominance. Unless you have a negotiated ‘bratty’ dynamic, then don’t do things that challenge or undermine their dominance, especially if they’re new too. Don’t be afraid to initiate a scene by offering your ‘services’ in whatever way is appropriate. If you require your dominant to do ALL the ‘work’ of getting a scene started and keeping it going, you might not get as much play as you want. So recognize you’re part of a team.

Dominance and submission is a two way street. It is important for you to get your needs met, but there’s nothing worse than a “do me” submissive if that isn’t a dynamic the dominant wants to play with. Take responsibility for enjoying an exciting sex life and your partner is likely to be just as enthusiastic!

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Bawdy Storytelling – The Defiant Balloons

September 9, 2013 by 1 Comment

I tell stories a lot.

Some of my friends lovingly call it “The Kali Show” (well, at least they mostly say it lovingly!)

When I meet new people, or am hanging out with friends or am teaching classes…there’s always a story to tell. I like my stories to entertain and inform and since my life is filled with wacky experiences, I have plenty of stories to pick from!

Last Tuesday I was invited to tell a story at the Friday night Bawdy, so of course I said yes! Ever since I moved back to the Bay Area I’ve been looking forward to pitching a story to Bawdy, and when Dixie, the charismatic founder, said the theme would be “Risky Business” I knew the exact story to tell.

Even though I wasn’t able to make it to the dress rehearsal, I was incredibly impressed with the before-show info that Dixie shared. She sent me a super simple but extremely effective ‘storyboard’ tool to help me plot out the steps in the story to make sure I didn’t get distracted and lose my place. Usually I’m a rather organic storyteller so this one page of putting the details down gave me a great outline to follow once I was up on stage.

Since I joined the event on a slightly last minute basis I already had a commitment later in the evening, so Dixie scheduled me as the first story-teller. Thankfully I got there just in time for the night to begin!

The venue is simple and stylish with a bar and a stage and plenty of space for the audience. The room was packed with pretty much all the seats filled and even more people standing in the back. Dixie really does a fantastic job getting the audience ready and even giving some ‘coaching’ on how to be a great audience. I’ve never seen the technique and it was brilliant! There were a lot of newbies in attendance, the vibe was super supportive & excited for the fun.

After an amusing song (Bi-Curious George) by John Woods of the Wet Spots, it was my turn to get on stage.

(the video focuses after the first 30 seconds or so!)

I tried so hard to stay within the 10 minute time-frame, and I would have if I’d have actually STOPPED at the end of the story, but the educator in me felt the need to crystallize the lesson I learned from the experience. I really do love telling a good story, but I almost always feel compelled for it to have a ‘point’, like Aesop’s Fables or something!

Thank you so much to Dixie, to everyone involved with Bawdy Storytelling and to the fantastic audience. Next time I’ll plan my entire evening around it so I can stay and enjoy everyone until the end!

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My “Ah-Ha!” moment as a foot fetishist

July 30, 2013 by Leave a Comment

While riding shotgun with a friend through the Beacon Hill area I noticed a woman walking down the street taking long confident strides and I couldn’t help but catch My breath. As she took each step the hem of Her long tailored pants came up to show a flash of a stiletto heel boot. I could feel Myself getting turned on by the tease of it and suddenly I realized,

I am officially a foot pervert.

It made Me stop and think about the progression of My foot fetish over the last few years. Before I “discovered” the world of BDSM I had never really thought much about My feet. I had always enjoyed long foot massages from my boyfriends and boy-toys and I remember My first slave in high school placing reverential kisses on My feet at the end of My weekly back rub, but I had never zeroed in on the pleasure that can come from extended foot play. When I moved to Boston and placed some pictures on the web looking for modeling jobs I received an invitation to a “foot worship party” in New York City. Though I had never heard the term before, I have considered Myself an Adventurer of Life so I bought a bus ticket and off I went.

What I found there honestly changed My life. I saw men of all ages crawling on the ground kissing, massaging, licking and being stepped on by the feet of all different kinds of Women. For the first hour or so I just walked around watching all the delicious action and absorbing this wonderful new activity that I had never considered before. I don’t remember all the details of My first session but I know that it was his first worship session too and W/we were both delighted by the experience. I started going to New York to attend the foot parties on a monthly basis and learned everything I could from the guys that knelt at My feet; what they enjoyed about feet, what their first foot fetish memory was, the difficulty in finding a “vanilla” Woman who enjoys having her feet worshiped. As time went on I enjoyed My foot sessions more and more and found Myself especially interested in foot domination. This of course led to Me learning more about BDSM as a whole and becoming the Princess you know and adore today.

I have been the Hostess of Footnight New England for over two years now, and every month that I hold an event I am blown away by the feeling of joy I receive at seeing the looks on both the men and the women who attend for the first time. I have had men in their 50’s come to Me with tears in the eyes saying that though they have had the fetish since they were 5 or 6, this is the first time they have ever actually worshiped feet. I have women who attend that come because it sounds interesting and possibly profitable and discover that they genuinely enjoy having a man worship and pamper Her feet.

Now, years later, My foot fetish is a regular part of My lifestyle. I have a few loyal foot slaves who pamper Me with everything from regular pedicures and foot massages to designer shoes and extensive worshiping. I find that a session doesn’t feel complete to Me unless there has been some time spent with My slut sucking on My soles. I enjoy cultivating a strong scent by wearing My socks for a couple of days or slipping on My used slippers before forcing My foot-slut to take long deep inhalations of the pungent odor coming from between My toes. Quite simply My feet will never go unworshiped again!

This was originally posted on my FemDomme porn site PrincessKali.com in 2005

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The progression of a professional pervert….

July 6, 2013 by Leave a Comment

rocks in water smallI’ve always been rather sexually adventurous, so when many people ask me out I got into this profession I explain that it was a rather simple stepping stone process.

I remember when I first started stripping and I found it to be empowering rather than degrading. My self-confidence grew, my assertiveness grew stronger and I found myself more *in* my body than ever before.

When I got into Professional Domination I was 22 and thought it was a blast. It was a way to express my “mean streak” safely and consensually AND get paid for it! Voila! The perfect job. I used to call myself “kinky for cash” because even though I was really good at Domination I still didn’t think (or admit) that I actually was really in to it. All of my sessions, from the very beginning came from a place of authenticity, so when I say kinky for cash I don’t mean to say that I wasn’t genuinely enthusiastic. But I saw it as more of a fun game and a way to earn a good living rather than anything else.

I remember the first time I thought to myself, “Wow, I really am a pervert”. I was in the passenger side seat of a friends car, and looking out the window I saw a women in professional attire including long crease pants, striding down the street. She looked strong and determined which is a look and attitude I’ve always appreciated in women. But then I saw a flash of her high heel as she took a step and the lengthy pants rose up to reveal just a glimpse of the stiletto. I was instantly horny. Which frankly, took me by surprise. That’s when I realized that it was not just a ‘fun job for awhile’ it was something I was really interested in and enjoyed.

Right now I call myself the “theoretical pervert” because I’m working so hard trying to help others explore their kink I don’t have the time or energy to express mine. But that’s something I’m willing to sacrifice for awhile to reach my goals. I can remember being 22 years old and standing on the sidewalk after a session, talking to my mother saying “Mom, it’s not like I’m going to do this forever” and now, 10+ years later, which certainly isn’t forever but it is a damn long time! I have found that sexuality, and most specifically kinky sexuality is a calling for me. Being an educator, being a Pro Domme, being a kinky coach… I’ve had the opportunity to help guide and inspire kinky development and I am completely honored by that.

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Teaching Kink is like a Soulgasm

July 3, 2013 by Leave a Comment

woman sparklersinhandsTeaching kink is totally my high. When I get up in front of a class to present my thoughts and experiences with perversion, I get in a totally euphoric state. After teaching for so many years I’ve thought a lot about why that is, and why it is so thoroughly awesome.

Growing up, it was obvious to me that good girls didn’t really talk about sex, and that bad girls did. And that being a bad girl definitely sounded more fun. I have spent most of my life knowing that the world felt that I was being “inappropriate” whenever I talked about sex, or said sexual words, or acted in sexually curious way. But thankfully I have also spent most of life knowing that “the world” doesn’t always know what’s best.

I’ve always loved the way that people open up to me about their inner most thoughts and desires. That’s heavy stuff, and I feel honored that people feel like they can trust me not to judge them. Because I don’t judge. I mean, I do judge what I personally want to engage in, and which experiences I might personally enjoy. But I DON’T judge whether I think that person is right or wrong to enjoy what they enjoy. As long as it’s between consenting, conscientious adults, then my philosophy is truly, “go for it!”

When I teach to groups, sometimes the class is filled with new adventurers, and some-times it’s filled with those that consider themselves to be a “seen that, done that” crowd. But either way, it’s a challenge for me, and it’s a challenge that really pumps me up.

Anyone who’s seen me teach knows how excited I get. In fact I frequently start the class with a joke about what a happy wiggling little pervert I am. I actually get breathless with the excitement of sharing my positive experiences with groups of people who might then go out and feel a little (or a lot!) better about enjoying what they do. To teach is to learn, and both are incredibly joyful for me. Teaching others continuously inspires me, and it’s an up-lifting experience to also inspire others.

The comment I receive most frequently after my classes is that my enthusiasm is infectious and appreciated (the only time when being called infectious is a good thing ;). I have a very spontaneous style, and even though I always have extensive notes, (easier to steer back from tangents that way!) it is important to me to let the classes happen organically too. I tell stories, I answer questions, I encourage comments. I am both an entertainer and an educator, because I believe that when people are having fun, they learn more. And just as importantly, that if I’m not having fun, then I certainly can’t expect my audience to.

Which why I go into each and every presentation with the express intent of sharing just how much fun this kinky stuff can be. I want to show that it can go far, far beyond the bedroom. It can build self confidence, and emotional intimacy. It can stretch the imagination, and the expectations & assumptions we all have about ourselves and our partners. I get to share that with people on a regular basis, and it’s taught me one thing for certain. That my most treasured experience, and life’s mission is helping others find creativity & acceptance in their sexual proclitivities. Which is why I get in such a tizzy when I’m teaching. It’s like a soul orgasm.

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What is the difference between a fetish and a fantasy?

June 28, 2013 by Leave a Comment

The term “fetish” is used pretty loosely these days to mean anything that really really turns someone on.

But there is an official definition, and here it is…

From Wikipedia.com

“Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual arousal a person receives from a physical object, or from a specific situation”

So when the term is used “correctly” it is referencing a sexual need that goes far past desire into necessity. For someone to have a clinical fetish that person would have to have the fetishized item or situation involved 100% of the time in order to reach sexual arousal and climax.

What people frequently mean when they say fetish, is “kink”. Of course, language is fluid. Everyone works from a different internal dictionary and people might have a variety of experiences of words.

I’ve found that “kink” is a more accurate term for most. A good way to look at “having a kink” for something is that it’s an item/activity/situation that you find deeply, consistently erotic but is not necessary for your enjoyment of a sexual encounter.

Kink is also frequently used as an umbrella term for “the lifestyle” or as a sexual orientation. It can be used to describe a collection of activities (“kinky sex” might include some bondage or spanking, etc) that are enjoyed during sexual play.

Fantasies consist of the wide world of your erotic imagination. Having a fantasy about something does NOT mean you actually want it to happen in real life, which is one of the magical things about fantasies. In our minds we can explore experiences that may not even be possible, but are incredibly arousing to think about.

However using fantasies to fulfill a fetish (or kink!) can be a great compromise when the fetish (or kink!) is difficult or impossible to enact. For example, I’ve known many foot fetishists that fantasize about feet while having more traditional sex. This is helpful when one partner isn’t interested in the others fetish (or at least not every time) so that both can still have a happy sex life.

Bottom line, language and terminology are not worth getting hung up on. We fantasize about our fetishes and fetishize our fantasies. As long as we’re all getting (consensually!) what we need to feel sexually satisfied then that’s what’s important!

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Struggling With Submission As A Woman

June 12, 2013 by Leave a Comment

woman on leash smallIn my experience there can be a great deal of guilt on both sides of the D/s dynamic, regardless of gender. So I’m going to do a series of articles about some of the struggles and solutions from each perspective.

I presented one of my favorite ‘conceptual’ classes at Ramabo College, D/s as a Feminist Act and in an email after the class a student shared how the discussion affected her.

“I struggle all the time with my feelings of submission and my relationship with my Dom in my life. For so long I had been struggling with being an assertive dominant extroverted young woman and my deep seeded masochistic desire to submit. I didn’t know other people struggled with these feelings and you really explained everything in a great eye-opening way.  You really gave me so much hope and confidence. When I left I felt so much better about my internal struggle and my D/s relationship.”

It’s not an uncommon internal struggle, with the current climate around feminism the feelings of submission can be confusing. Personally I identify wholly as a dominant (which has its own struggles that I’ll get into in another article) and I had a hard time seeing women submit when I first got into the scene. I was still under the impression that a woman needed to be ‘strong’ in order to be a feminist. But I was proven wrong by every single ‘submissive’ woman that I met. They were strong. They were choosing to submit and there is a huge power in that. It’s a frequent misconception that the submissive doesn’t have any power. In a consensual scene or D/s relationship the submissive always has the right and the power to say no.

I believe that anytime a woman makes her own choice it is a feminist act. Dominant, submissive, kinky, vanilla, frequent or infrequent. Anytime a woman chooses, really chooses to follow her heart and her own integrity, whether it’s sexual or not, that is a feminist act.

Just because someone expresses their sexuality through submission, or enjoy a submissive relationship with someone does not mean that they suddenly become a door-mat. That’s where the power of choice comes in. Anyone who touts that submissives have to be submissive all the time is trying to sell the Brooklyn Bridge. There is no “One Twue Way”. That’s the beauty of being a human being. We are multi-faceted beings so exploring different sides of ourselves is part of the adventure of being alive.

Have you had any struggles with your submissive desires? How have you handled those struggles?

 

 

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Sexy Consent

June 4, 2013 by Leave a Comment

woman thumps up smallSexual Consent is a hot topic these days & rightfully so. You can give & receive consent in sexy ways, keeping boundaries clear * and* keeping the sexy mood going.

The most important thing is recognizing how important clear, informed consent is as a vital part of healthy sexual experiences. Making sure everyone is comfortable with what’s happening should be addressed whether it’s in a sexy way or not. But there *are* ways to ‘boundary check’ without interrupting the action.

1)      You can use pre-negotiation as foreplay. Getting to know what turns you partner on (and what would put the brakes on that arousal) will help you both get what you need out of the experience. This is especially true when you’re new lovers, but even long-time partners can do a ‘consent check-in’ every once in a while, tastes and boundaries do change and there needs to be an open conversation to share those changes.

2)      You can make it into a game while you’re in the middle of sexual exploration. As long as there isn’t a feeling of pressure behind the questions, then it can be as simple as “would you like me to…” or “would it feel good if I …” with responses like “yes I would like you to…” or “No, that wouldn’t feel good right now but I’d love it if you…” Keeping the tone sincerely light and playful gives you all room to answer honestly.

3)      For BDSM it can be especially helpful to communicate through writing establishing without a doubt what is consensual and what would be non-consensual. When there are complex activities having clearly drawn lines can prevent unintended consequences. Let me repeat though, it can HELP prevent bad experiences, but it doesn’t guarantee a good one. That’s why, even with written consent (by the way, dirty talk isn’t automatically consent, but that’s for another article) it’s important to find straightforward ways to communicate with your partner about consent in a light-hearted, easy going way.

Remember that consent is only valid when that person is coherent and aware of any risks. Inebriation of any form makes consent an even murkier pool, so error on the side of caution and respect boundaries & you’ll actually end up having way more sexy fun!

 

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How do I bring a 2nd Dominant into my established cuckolding relationship?

June 2, 2013 by 1 Comment

Boudoir PortraitureI recently received this email and thought it would make a great blog post to share my thoughts with everyone!

Dear Princess Kali,

I have read a lot about you and have seen many of your videos and I really appreciate what you bring to the kink community. Even though I have never heard you discuss cuckolding or polyamory, I thought you would be the best person to bring this dilemma to.

Over the past few years I have successfully trained my husband to be my service submissive. We have incorporated Domination/submission into almost all aspects of our lives. Over the past 3 months or so, [my husband] and I have been exploring cuckolding (I assume you know what that is), which has brought more long term chastity for [my husband] and more men for me.

After dating and exploring what is out there, I have found one lover who I would like to stick with. [My lover] like me, is very Dominant. I think it would fun (and hot!) to encourage him to establish his Dominance over [my husband]. I think it would bring about a new level of humiliation. I always like to find new ways to push [my husbands] boundaries. I realize that this will probably require allowing [my lover] to disciple [my husband]. What I want to ask is, how do you recommend I start? I realize it might be a bit difficult to bring in a second Dominant.

Thanks in advance!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My response….

Bringing a third partner into any established relationship is bound to have some bumps in the path. As long as both partners are genuinely interested then it can add whole new experiences to your sex life. Cuckolding is pretty popular, although it’s not always talked about. I don’t do cuckolding play personally, but have helped couples enjoy it in their relationship.

First even though there is an obvious power exchange in your committed relationship, I believe that a non-power based conversation needs to take place before moving forward. The biggest fun-stopper in a cuckolding dynamic is for the cuckold to feel genuinely anxious or afraid of losing their cuckoldress (aka their female partner). Insecurity does NOT support a healthy sex life, no matter how many people are involved. So taking the power structure out of play for at least a single conversation allows for you both to express your desires & fears in a non-sex focused way. It’s also REALLY helpful to have at least a couple more of those conversations after the new experiences have started. You can keep the power dynamic with the conversation if you’re more comfortable doing so, but there needs to be space for your husband to express any fears or concerns, and then you can figure out what to do about it.

Once that’s done and everyone is officially on board, it’s time to get to the sexy stuff! I don’t know how involved your husband is with your lover in terms of face to face time, but if that hasn’t happened yet start with verbal descriptions and dirty talk. Tell your husband every sexy thing you plan on doing to him and all the sexy (and humiliating) things your lover is going to do to him. Sharing fantasies is a way many couples introduce even the idea of cuckolding into their relationship, even if they don’t use that particular word. Remember that what is an incredible turn on in fantasy can be problematic when brought to life, sometimes surprisingly so.

Since you’ve already been exploring cuckolding and chastity in the last few months, I’ll guess that you’ve done a lot of the dirty talk and fantasy exploration already. So now it’s about introducing your husband to submitting to your lover. I’m a big believer in starting slow, it’s easy to build up the intensity but it’s hard to come back from a boundary that wasn’t really ready to be pushed. You can start by having your husband kiss your lovers shoes when your lover comes to pick you up for a date. It’s also fun to give your lover a more dominant title that your husband must use to address him. Something as simple as “Sir” is always nice, or you can get creative with something along the lines of “Mr. Well-Endowed” or “Real Man” or a title that’s relevant and specific to your own relationship and fantasies. A bit of groveling & respectful appreciation that your lover is satisfying you when your husband can’t is also a soft intro to a D/s dynamic for them.

Physical touch is something that should also be introduced once the small acts of submission have become (at least kind of) more comfortable. Perhaps when your husband is kissing your lovers shoes/feet, after he’s done your lover can rest his foot on the back of your husbands head. Not to crush it down, but so your husband can feel its weight and start to feel the excitement of being “under” your lover.

Adding the humiliation bit can take a variety of forms. You can have your husband get locked in his chastity cage in front of your lover, sort of like a ritual that constantly re-establishes his submission to your pleasure and as an extension of your pleasure, your lover. Your lover can call your husband while you’re out on a date or enjoying some hot sex and give your husband instructions about what to do for you once you get home. Having your husband help you prepare for you date is of course a classic, and you might already be doing that. If you aren’t, start! Get your husband into that chastity cage and then have him watch you try on sexy lingerie and outfits that you’ll be wearing for your lover, or your husband can be the ‘fluffer’ and give you a couple of orgasms orally before you head out, all the while with you telling him how your “stud” is going to really satisfy you. It can also be fun to call your husband while you’re having sex with your lover and just leave the phone on next to wherever you’re fucking, so your husband can hear all the sounds. This can also be a good time to do verbal with all three of you, having your lover, while fucking you, dirty talk (so your husband can hear it over the phone) about what a ‘pansy’ or ‘loser’ (or whatever words you use in your cuckolding experience) your husband is and how he’s fucking you like you deserve to get fucked.

I don’t recommend allowing your lover to just jump into doing whatever he wants to your husband. You are the dominant in your relationship with your husband and you do have a responsibility to keep him ultimately safe. Make sure your lover knows any hard boundaries both with physical actions and verbal play.

Take it in steps, depending on what your ultimate goals are. Fantasy & verbal exploration. ‘Small’ acts of submission by your husband to your lover. Introducing dominant touch by your lover to your husband. Letting your husbands submission to your lover grow authentically, like I’m sure it did with you, sets you all up for a more positive experience.

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5 Things To Remember As A New Dominant

May 29, 2013 by Leave a Comment

woman dominatrix 3 smallEveryone has to start somewhere. Even if we have a naturally dominant nature, putting that to use in a D/s context can have its challenges. There are a lot of novels & fantasy stories about how ‘easily’ it all comes when someone is a “true dominant”, but this isn’t any more accurate than saying how ‘easy ‘ it is when someone is a “true submissive”. Those tendencies might come naturally, but fine-tuning them is when it rolls into D/s territory.

So as you’re learning how to be a sexual dominant, there are a few helpful things to remember. These suggestions will keep you from going crazy and will help keep your submissive from being confused. Of course you’ll need to fit them within your own specific dynamic, but the ‘rules’ hold true for anyone just starting out.

1)      They can not read your mind. Even though it is tempting to think that now you have a submissive you’ll have someone to anticipate your every need. But it doesn’t work like that, at least not right away. You need to be very clear about what you want and how you want it. Clarity of communication in the beginning will create the foundation for the ease of service they’ll have after a while of submitting to you.

2)      You do not have to fit into a stereotype of dominance. We’ve all read the books and seen the moves and watched the online porn, but those archetypes are there as inspiration, not for emulation. If you don’t like being an “angry” dominant then don’t (and be sure to ready #3 below!) and if you don’t like being a sensual ‘soft’ dominant then don’t do that either. Find a style that suits you as an individual and ignore anything that says how dominance “should be”.

3)      Do not, I repeat do NOT, dominate out of anger. The energy of anger can be dangerous within a BDSM context. When we’re angry, it’s easy to lose control or miss important communication signals from our partner. When anger comes into the equation there is a lot more likelihood that an experience will go from consensual D/s to abusive experience faster than you’d think. Being conscious of dominant and submissive tendencies, and cultivating them, can provide a structure for abuse, even when it isn’t malicious or intended. So just don’t ever engage in BDSM, whether it’s impact play or emotional play, when you’re angry.

4)      Safety comes first. It’s easy to feel like a super-hero when someone submits to you. It’s easy to get focused on the “goal” of a scene rather than the person you’re playing with. And it’s really easy to over-estimate our own abilities, particularly when we really really want to do something. So within the excitement your feel, make sure that your awareness of safety, both physical and emotional, always stays in place. Go slow, it’s easier to push harder than it is to pull back.

5)      Take it slow! I know I just said that, but I also know how exhilarating it can be to explore your desires, whether they’re newly realized or have been simmering in your thoughts for ages. It’s natural for some people to want to do ALL-THE-THINGS and that includes your submissive. But it’s important that you take the lead here (you ARE the dominant after all!) and pace your playing so that you each get comfortable with a new activity or a new experience at your own pace. I describe it like a buffet, you don’t want to run down the aisle stuffing everything in your mouth at once. It’s more delicious to enjoy each flavor on its own.

So if you keep at least these 5 things in mind, you’ll set yourself up for success and you’ll be a better dominant for it!

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