Domination Styles


Ok, so you’ve determined that you’re dominant (or perhaps a switch with a strong dominant side), now what? If you emulate porn, it’s likely you won’t keep play partners very long, since porn is based on fantasy (and making it look easy) but reality isn’t always so smooth.

One of the first things you can think about it what style of domination you’re attracted to. You might feel like different styles at different times, which is perfectly normal. But usually there’s a stronger connection to one in particular. This is true regardless of gender.

1)      Strict, Cold, Cruel & Uncaring – this is a classic one, which is usually shown in porn, but can definitely be brought into reality keeping a few things in mind. First of all, it’s important that you’re not actually uncaring. When you don’t really care, on any level, how the other personal feels, then it can start to creep into abuse territory, and you don’t want to go there. Role-playing or acting in persona that you don’t care is fantastic, and is a popular fantasy for many. But it is still your responsibility to make sure that your play partner is fully intact (physically and emotionally) after your scene is an important part of keeping it “true” to BDSM standards. Same concept can be applied to being cold and cruel. Being strict though has a little more wiggle room. It’s easier to be strict in commands and expectations while still staying safe. You can speak in short sentences, abrupt even, with no warmth in your voice. Try to stay a bit distant on the outside while keeping a close eye on the scene from the ‘inside’.  Keep the touching of skin to skin a minimum and focus on the using of toys.

2)      Sensual, Teasing, & Seductive – this one is my particular favorite and tends to be my ‘default’ domination style (with a little cruelty thrown in for good measure *wink*). Again, this can be enjoyed by any gender, just keep your play partners desires in mind and keep them on the edge of receiving those desires. Talking is a great way to tease, describing what you could ‘possibly’ do to them. Use a softer, slower, sexier voice. Be enticing. Use a lot of touch, whether it’s skin to skin or dragging your toys sensually across their body. Seduce your play partner into giving up their submission. Make them beg sweetly for the ‘naughty’ things you’re going to be doing to them. Be playful!

3)      Tender & Protective – this style is frequently the first choice for spanko’s, ABDL players, age players and those looking for genuine behavior modification (among others of course). The best phrase to sum up this style of domination is “I’m doing this for your own good”. This style can have elements of cruelty, but it’s done with warmth and care. A lot of times, aftercare is particularly important for this style, both for the dominant and the submissive. Keeping your bodies close together creates the protective intimacy.

These styles can be applied to both physical and psychological play, using toys or just your mind and voice. Feel free to explore each of them until you find one that fits, and don’t limit yourself to just these three! There are many other styles, some a combo of two styles or an attitude entirely different than what I’ve described here. Also, don’t limit yourself to one style all the time unless that’s what you personally want. Difference scenes might elicit a variety of styles for you, so let those styles surface and see where they take you. But above all, have fun and recognize that you are not defined by your dominance, nor the style it may take.