Bawdy Storytelling – The Defiant Balloons

I tell stories a lot.

Some of my friends lovingly call it “The Kali Show” (well, at least they mostly say it lovingly!)

When I meet new people, or am hanging out with friends or am teaching classes…there’s always a story to tell. I like my stories to entertain and inform and since my life is filled with wacky experiences, I have plenty of stories to pick from!

Last Tuesday I was invited to tell a story at the Friday night Bawdy, so of course I said yes! Ever since I moved back to the Bay Area I’ve been looking forward to pitching a story to Bawdy, and when Dixie, the charismatic founder, said the theme would be “Risky Business” I knew the exact story to tell.

Even though I wasn’t able to make it to the dress rehearsal, I was incredibly impressed with the before-show info that Dixie shared. She sent me a super simple but extremely effective ‘storyboard’ tool to help me plot out the steps in the story to make sure I didn’t get distracted and lose my place. Usually I’m a rather organic storyteller so this one page of putting the details down gave me a great outline to follow once I was up on stage.

Since I joined the event on a slightly last minute basis I already had a commitment later in the evening, so Dixie scheduled me as the first story-teller. Thankfully I got there just in time for the night to begin!

The venue is simple and stylish with a bar and a stage and plenty of space for the audience. The room was packed with pretty much all the seats filled and even more people standing in the back. Dixie really does a fantastic job getting the audience ready and even giving some ‘coaching’ on how to be a great audience. I’ve never seen the technique and it was brilliant! There were a lot of newbies in attendance, the vibe was super supportive & excited for the fun.

After an amusing song (Bi-Curious George) by John Woods of the Wet Spots, it was my turn to get on stage.

(the video focuses after the first 30 seconds or so!)

I tried so hard to stay within the 10 minute time-frame, and I would have if I’d have actually STOPPED at the end of the story, but the educator in me felt the need to crystallize the lesson I learned from the experience. I really do love telling a good story, but I almost always feel compelled for it to have a ‘point’, like Aesop’s Fables or something!

Thank you so much to Dixie, to everyone involved with Bawdy Storytelling and to the fantastic audience. Next time I’ll plan my entire evening around it so I can stay and enjoy everyone until the end!

The progression of a professional pervert….

rocks in water smallI’ve always been rather sexually adventurous, so when many people ask me out I got into this profession I explain that it was a rather simple stepping stone process.

I remember when I first started stripping and I found it to be empowering rather than degrading. My self-confidence grew, my assertiveness grew stronger and I found myself more *in* my body than ever before.

When I got into Professional Domination I was 22 and thought it was a blast. It was a way to express my “mean streak” safely and consensually AND get paid for it! Voila! The perfect job. I used to call myself “kinky for cash” because even though I was really good at Domination I still didn’t think (or admit) that I actually was really in to it. All of my sessions, from the very beginning came from a place of authenticity, so when I say kinky for cash I don’t mean to say that I wasn’t genuinely enthusiastic. But I saw it as more of a fun game and a way to earn a good living rather than anything else.

I remember the first time I thought to myself, “Wow, I really am a pervert”. I was in the passenger side seat of a friends car, and looking out the window I saw a women in professional attire including long crease pants, striding down the street. She looked strong and determined which is a look and attitude I’ve always appreciated in women. But then I saw a flash of her high heel as she took a step and the lengthy pants rose up to reveal just a glimpse of the stiletto. I was instantly horny. Which frankly, took me by surprise. That’s when I realized that it was not just a ‘fun job for awhile’ it was something I was really interested in and enjoyed.

Right now I call myself the “theoretical pervert” because I’m working so hard trying to help others explore their kink I don’t have the time or energy to express mine. But that’s something I’m willing to sacrifice for awhile to reach my goals. I can remember being 22 years old and standing on the sidewalk after a session, talking to my mother saying “Mom, it’s not like I’m going to do this forever” and now, 10+ years later, which certainly isn’t forever but it is a damn long time! I have found that sexuality, and most specifically kinky sexuality is a calling for me. Being an educator, being a Pro Domme, being a kinky coach… I’ve had the opportunity to help guide and inspire kinky development and I am completely honored by that.

Domination Styles

couple in bed woman foot on man smallOk, so you’ve determined that you’re dominant (or perhaps a switch with a strong dominant side), now what? If you emulate porn, it’s likely you won’t keep play partners very long, since porn is based on fantasy (and making it look easy) but reality isn’t always so smooth.

One of the first things you can think about it what style of domination you’re attracted to. You might feel like different styles at different times, which is perfectly normal. But usually there’s a stronger connection to one in particular. This is true regardless of gender.

1)      Strict, Cold, Cruel & Uncaring – this is a classic one, which is usually shown in porn, but can definitely be brought into reality keeping a few things in mind. First of all, it’s important that you’re not actually uncaring. When you don’t really care, on any level, how the other personal feels, then it can start to creep into abuse territory, and you don’t want to go there. Role-playing or acting in persona that you don’t care is fantastic, and is a popular fantasy for many. But it is still your responsibility to make sure that your play partner is fully intact (physically and emotionally) after your scene is an important part of keeping it “true” to BDSM standards. Same concept can be applied to being cold and cruel. Being strict though has a little more wiggle room. It’s easier to be strict in commands and expectations while still staying safe. You can speak in short sentences, abrupt even, with no warmth in your voice. Try to stay a bit distant on the outside while keeping a close eye on the scene from the ‘inside’.  Keep the touching of skin to skin a minimum and focus on the using of toys.

2)      Sensual, Teasing, & Seductive – this one is my particular favorite and tends to be my ‘default’ domination style (with a little cruelty thrown in for good measure *wink*). Again, this can be enjoyed by any gender, just keep your play partners desires in mind and keep them on the edge of receiving those desires. Talking is a great way to tease, describing what you could ‘possibly’ do to them. Use a softer, slower, sexier voice. Be enticing. Use a lot of touch, whether it’s skin to skin or dragging your toys sensually across their body. Seduce your play partner into giving up their submission. Make them beg sweetly for the ‘naughty’ things you’re going to be doing to them. Be playful!

3)      Tender & Protective – this style is frequently the first choice for spanko’s, ABDL players, age players and those looking for genuine behavior modification (among others of course). The best phrase to sum up this style of domination is “I’m doing this for your own good”. This style can have elements of cruelty, but it’s done with warmth and care. A lot of times, aftercare is particularly important for this style, both for the dominant and the submissive. Keeping your bodies close together creates the protective intimacy.

These styles can be applied to both physical and psychological play, using toys or just your mind and voice. Feel free to explore each of them until you find one that fits, and don’t limit yourself to just these three! There are many other styles, some a combo of two styles or an attitude entirely different than what I’ve described here. Also, don’t limit yourself to one style all the time unless that’s what you personally want. Difference scenes might elicit a variety of styles for you, so let those styles surface and see where they take you. But above all, have fun and recognize that you are not defined by your dominance, nor the style it may take.

“That” Question

standing woman wearing extravagant clothes with handcuffs“So, what did you say you do for a living?”

That question, no matter how many times I’ve heard it, always makes my heart skip a beat. It is not a simple question to answer and only opens up a torrent of other questions inside my head, which causes me to pause. And the pause rarely goes unnoticed. Who doesn’t know how to explain what they do for a living?

My answer depends a lot on those other internal questions: How long have I known this person? What is the context in which they know me? Do they appear open minded? Is an honest answer going to change the way they interact with me? Is this going to out-right freak them out?

My experience of sharing honestly has varied considerably. I have certainly had positive experiences, but I have frequently been surprised by those that I thought would take it in stride but instead become offended, even disgusted. All too often I have felt sad at how the declaration of my career choice has derailed a conversation or friendship that otherwise began very well.

My having moved much more into the education realm has admittedly made my response more palatable to others. Hearing “sexuality educator” is very different than “professional dominatrix.” The individual might not really know what I mean by either phrase, but the former is certainly less intimidating than the latter. Regardless, deciding how to respond to this innocuous – but oh so bothersome! – question remains a difficult decision for me every time.

Frankly, either way I answer feels like I’m going to get screwed (and not in the fun way). If I lie, then I’m not being true to myself; I am not presenting the proud professional pervert that I actually am. I am proud of my life, my accomplishments, and the incredibly intimate and amazing experiences I’ve shared with so many in the kink community. But, on the other hand, if I tell the truth, then I have to see that “look.” The same look that everyone gets, whether they accept/approve of what I do or not. The look that says: “What the F*ck?! Really? YOU?!” The look that illustrates the shocking incongruity: this nice “normal” person does, um, illicit things for a living.

I have lied, many times actually. My usual answer is that I do “website and new media development,” which is both sufficiently vague yet accurate. If they probe deeper, then I say that I own my own business; that I have a tech person that handles the actual building of the sites, and I serve as the PR person and general manager of the business. Um, yeah.

Every time I say that half-truth, my heart hurts for a moment. But sometimes an honest response is just not appropriate given the time constraints (if I’m on an airplane and don’t want to spend the flight giving a kink 101 class). Other times I know that I’m going to be interacting with the person out in the “real” world, and it’s just not worth disturbing their image of me. But when the opportunity presents itself, and I sense that the person who asked the question – the inquiry that has become “THAT” question in my life – might be open to the real answer; then I take the plunge. I say it. And though my heart skips yet another beat, and I can’t help but (still) be a bit anxious about their response, I feel proud that I have stood up and spoken my truth.

Originally posted on FearlessPress.com October 13, 2010