Everyone has to start somewhere. Even if we have a naturally dominant nature, putting that to use in a D/s context can have its challenges. There are a lot of novels & fantasy stories about how ‘easily’ it all comes when someone is a “true dominant”, but this isn’t any more accurate than saying how ‘easy ‘ it is when someone is a “true submissive”. Those tendencies might come naturally, but fine-tuning them is when it rolls into D/s territory.
So as you’re learning how to be a sexual dominant, there are a few helpful things to remember. These suggestions will keep you from going crazy and will help keep your submissive from being confused. Of course you’ll need to fit them within your own specific dynamic, but the ‘rules’ hold true for anyone just starting out.
1) They can not read your mind. Even though it is tempting to think that now you have a submissive you’ll have someone to anticipate your every need. But it doesn’t work like that, at least not right away. You need to be very clear about what you want and how you want it. Clarity of communication in the beginning will create the foundation for the ease of service they’ll have after a while of submitting to you.
2) You do not have to fit into a stereotype of dominance. We’ve all read the books and seen the moves and watched the online porn, but those archetypes are there as inspiration, not for emulation. If you don’t like being an “angry” dominant then don’t (and be sure to ready #3 below!) and if you don’t like being a sensual ‘soft’ dominant then don’t do that either. Find a style that suits you as an individual and ignore anything that says how dominance “should be”.
3) Do not, I repeat do NOT, dominate out of anger. The energy of anger can be dangerous within a BDSM context. When we’re angry, it’s easy to lose control or miss important communication signals from our partner. When anger comes into the equation there is a lot more likelihood that an experience will go from consensual D/s to abusive experience faster than you’d think. Being conscious of dominant and submissive tendencies, and cultivating them, can provide a structure for abuse, even when it isn’t malicious or intended. So just don’t ever engage in BDSM, whether it’s impact play or emotional play, when you’re angry.
4) Safety comes first. It’s easy to feel like a super-hero when someone submits to you. It’s easy to get focused on the “goal” of a scene rather than the person you’re playing with. And it’s really easy to over-estimate our own abilities, particularly when we really really want to do something. So within the excitement your feel, make sure that your awareness of safety, both physical and emotional, always stays in place. Go slow, it’s easier to push harder than it is to pull back.
5) Take it slow! I know I just said that, but I also know how exhilarating it can be to explore your desires, whether they’re newly realized or have been simmering in your thoughts for ages. It’s natural for some people to want to do ALL-THE-THINGS and that includes your submissive. But it’s important that you take the lead here (you ARE the dominant after all!) and pace your playing so that you each get comfortable with a new activity or a new experience at your own pace. I describe it like a buffet, you don’t want to run down the aisle stuffing everything in your mouth at once. It’s more delicious to enjoy each flavor on its own.
So if you keep at least these 5 things in mind, you’ll set yourself up for success and you’ll be a better dominant for it!