Princess Kali’s 7 Principles of Dominance
Dominance isn’t about relentlessly pretending to be an all-powerful ruler without emotions or flaws. It’s about being a real human who enjoys expressing and exploring positive personal power in a consensual D/s dynamic.
Over the years, through all of my lifestyle and professional kink adventures, I’ve learned to root my dominance in seven core principles. They are the guiding stars that keep my play thrilling and my integrity intact.
Creativity
Kink is an act of artistic expression. This is true for many kinksters, whether they use that language or not. Kink is creative sexuality! It is erotic improvisation. You take the bare bone materials that everyone is given, like bodies, words, scenarios, and touch, and remix them into something weirdly beautiful and deeply personal. You co-create something that is uniquely fulfilling to you.
My dominance is not a costume I put on. It’s a creative expression of who I am.
Authentic Expression
Authenticity has multiple sides. Kink can be authentic because it’s an expression of your “true” self, or it can be authentic because it’s the embodiment of a character or alter ego you feel compelled to develop and express.
For me personally, my dominance, directness, and playfulness is part of who I am on a daily basis, and kink gives me space to expand, emphasize, and celebrate those parts of myself. It’s authentic for me because it’s rooted in who I am.
But there’s also an authenticity in approaching kink from a perspective of role play and character development. Maybe you want to explore being a villainous queen because that’s a part of yourself that doesn't usually get to have space. Whether it’s a reflection of your daily life or a reflection of a part of your hidden self, there is an authenticity in both of those spaces.
Either way, authenticity means leaving behind the sexual expression that’s found in stereotypes and outdated expectations to embrace erotic adventures that feel true to you.
Humanity
When I was younger, like many early exploring dominants, I believed the stereotype that being dominant meant being unshakable. I thought that I had to be the kind of woman who never flinched, never faltered, and never had regrets after a scene. Trying to be “strong” all the time wasn’t sustainable or practical for my own wellbeing and the wellbeing of my relationships.
True dominance includes humanity. Dominants are fully faceted human beings! We have vulnerable moments, a physical body that needs care, mental health struggles, and all of the struggles and needs of any person.
The ability to hold power and vulnerability at the same time is key to dominance. This lesson was very hard won for me!
Hierarchy
This feels like a surprisingly hot take, but yes, I actually believe in hierarchy! If we make a power exchange agreement, I am, in fact, in charge. I am above my submissive in the hierarchy, even if that sub is the love of my life.
Hierarchy is a part of how I love. For some of us, dominance is an orientation, and for others it’s a role play or adventure. Both are legitimate.
In the earlier days of the kink community, everyone wanted to do 24/7 power dynamics. That was perceived as the right, true way that all kinksters were striving for. Now it’s swung in the opposite direction. If you have a 24/7 dynamic, people assume that you’re not doing it right, and that you have to remove your power position to show that you respect each other.
I never remove my crown. That doesn’t mean that I don't respect or listen to my submissives! But for me, hierarchy is a necessary part of dominance. Without it, it’s strictly kink, not D/s kink.
To be clear, hierarchy should be negotiated intentionally. Hierarchy without informed consent is not kink, it’s nonconsensual power and control, and that’s abuse.
Consent
Consent is not a checkbox; it’s a nuanced framework for each individual person (including the dominant!). It’s the scaffolding that holds up everything else. It’s what distinguishes kink from abuse.
In my opinion, informed consent is even more important than enthusiastic consent. In the type of play that I do, all of the consent is informed, but not all of it looks enthusiastic.
While “enthusiastic consent” is the gold standard for most sex, in degradation play, it is not always going to look enthusiastic. Yes, enthusiastic consent is important. But enthusiasm can look many different ways in kink. For people who explore psychologically edgy play, like financial domination, humiliation, or other high intensity varieties of kink, enthusiasm might exist under a layer of trepidation or even self disgust.
That’s the dichotomy of kink! For some kinksters, that’s where the power of this exploration lies. Rather than simply looking at consent as a yes or no question, I see consent as something that is very personal, and that may or may not look like classic versions of consent.
For example, my submissive might not “want” to be called a pathetic slut, but if they have asked me to create an experience of erotic embarrassment within the guidelines of their (previously discussed) hard limits, then I’m going to do exactly that. But fundamentally, everyone needs to understand what it is that they are agreeing to, and that’s why I prioritize informed consent above all else, with the understanding that enthusiasm has many faces in the context of consensual, creative kink.
As long as you and your partner(s) ultimately feel good about what you’re doing, even if not in the moment, that’s the critical piece. Consent is central, even if it may not be obviously visible. We each understand it. We each have chosen it. That is real consent.
Growth Mindset
No matter where you are on your dominance journey, there’s always something to learn, whether it’s a new skill or a new approach, or something new about yourself or your partner(s). If you assume that you know all you need to know, like you have sprung fully formed from the sea like Aphrodite from the foam, you are doing yourself and anyone you play with a disservice.
Admit when you don’t know something! Learn new techniques. Reflect on what did not work. Stay open to feedback. All of these things are what it looks like to have a growth mindset, and that makes you a badass dominant and human.
One of the most important things you can do to be a good dominant is learn to admit when you make a mistake. Sure, the idea that a dominant never makes mistakes is fine as a mindfuck scene, but if that’s how you are all the time, that’s a problem. Integrity is being willing to acknowledge when you need to grow or have made a mistake. Take feedback and grow from it, without turning it into shame.
Fun
I take safety, connection, and psychological seriously. But this is play! I love finding the absurdity in kink and life. We are adults playing dress up and hitting each other with sticks and mops. When we lose the sense of fun, kink becomes an obligation instead of a playground.
Even if your style is strict or cruel on the surface, maintaining a sense of play and exploration with yourself and others at the root, is key to having an amazing time in D/s.
Dominance is not about perfect performances.
It’s a living, breathing practice. It can evolve every time you discover something new about power or pleasure or yourself.
Kink is creative, it is human, and it is even silly at times. By prioritizing your integrity, curiosity, and your sense of humor, you will continue to grow in your most authentic dominance.
If you want guidance in becoming the type of dominant you want to be, check out my one-on-one kink coaching. I offer kink coaching programs for lifestyle dominants and prodommes to help you get more of what you want out of kink and D/s.
You can also check out my newest workbook Design Your Dominance: A Guide to Stepping Into Your FemDom Power & Persona in my personal store or on Amazon.