A few kinky shopping tips!

woman Shopping Bags SmallQ: I’m just starting to explore my kinks & fetishes, what should I purchase before I really know what I like?

A: Start with the ‘vanilla’ items that resemble kink items such as a wooden spoon for a paddle, scarves or neckties for bondage (be sure to keep safety scissors handy to cut them off in case of tightening!)


Q: I would like to try some more ‘fetishy’ clothes, but where do you shop for those things?

A:  It can be difficult to find things locally unless you live in a big city and even then, many brick & mortor stores have gone by way of the internet highway. A couple of good options are PurplePassion.com and Passional.com which have stores in NYC & Philadelphia, respectively. There are of course many more, please feel free to make suggestions in the comment section!)


Q: I’m really into a specific kind of corporal punishment (either as a Top or Bottom), should I invest in good quality toys of my own?

A: Absolutely. If there’s one toy or activity that you know, without a doubt, gets you off….save up if you have to but do some research and purchase a well crafted, long lasting version of that favorite toy. This is true regardless of whether you’re a Top or a Bottom. It is very appropriate, smart even, for a Bottom to have their own toys. That way you never have to hope that your favorite Top has your favorite toy, they can just use yours!


Q:I have a spare room that I’d like to turn into a dungeon, where do I start and how do I know what I need?

A: It depends on your interests, but some basic bondage furniture (spanking bench & padded kneeling post), a sturdy chair (with arms for a throne, without arms for OTK), and a roomy dog cage is a good start. Hang some hooks on the wall to keep your toys organized, and include a dresser for storage space and a counter top display area.


Q:I need a discrete, inexpensive way to keep and carry all of my kinky toys.

A: Look for a small, durable, fashionable suitcase with plenty of zippered pouches (outside & in) for an ‘incognito’ way to carry your toys around. Have a travel set of cleaning supplies in a plastic lined pouch so that you can take care of your items immediately after playing, and don’t forget paper towels!


Expensive events, expensive gear…can you be kinky with a low (or non-existent!) budget?

kinky toysI’ve been both a professional and personal kinkster for over 10 years, and I’ll admit to having a wardrobe/kinky toy fetish. Because of the professional need (and the personal enjoyment ;) I’ve acquired a huge collection of latex & leather clothing, kinky toys of all kinds including multiple floggers/whips/paddles & the like, plus a large dungeon’s worth of high end kinky furniture. When I was a Pro-Domme full time and had a playspace of my very own, it was neat to have all these perverted items surrounding me and my submissives, it helped to set the tone of the session and certainly fed into the fantasy portion of our play.

Since I am a naturally theatrical person the variety of clothing & costumes were a ton of fun and finding unique and well-made toys became an entertaining adventure. But a funny thing happened when I moved into my largest dungeon (6,000 square feet, which I no longer inhabit). I had more space, more toys and more furniture…yet I found myself going back to simple activities & more psychological play. I’ve always been a psychological player, but when I discovered the BDSM world I became fascinated with all the accoutrements. Now, after more than 10 years playing with hundreds of people I appreciate a simpler approach to my D/s relationships and sensation exploration.

I teach a series of classes titled “The Lazy Tops Guide to…” and I came up with the ideas for “The Lazy Tops Guide to a Creative & Exciting Scene” out of a desire to share with my fellow kinksters that “s/he with the largest toybag” doesn’t always win. It is possible to play with every toy available, and still not have a satisfying scene. If the connection isn’t there, if the headspace isn’t right then the activity loses a lot of its meaning.

So I suggest a new mindset for both dominants and submissives. Start with no toys. No bondage equipment. No fetishwear. Attempt to create the experience with your imagination and your attitude. Develop a kinky headspace that can be enjoyed whether you’re in a hotel room with nothing overtly kinky available or in a huge dungeon with all the toys in the kinky world. The brain is our most useful sex organ. Engage it and everything else falls into place. I’ll have some concrete suggestions for building a kinky mindset and toybag in a follow up article.