Finding Someone that Meets Your Kinky Needs

One of the questions I get most often is “How did you meet all your submissives?” with the closely followed up question of “How can I meet the submissive/dominant of my dreams?”

In a way, I had a leg up on perverts of the time, because unlike most, I had my own website. A place where I could direct people I met in person to find out more about me and my interests, or where someone searching online could stumble upon my site and read all about what I was looking for.

Lucky for you, times have changed and it’s not hard (or expensive) to have your own website. WordPress has created a world where we can all have our own simple to build websites, and if you’re looking for love then I recommend that’s exactly what you do.

Having your own website allows for the following

  • Gives you a place to send people from your twitter feed or Fetlife profile
  • Set up a simple form that is specific about what you’re looking for
  • Shows your seriousness about finding a good match

Most kinksters have a profile on Fetlife now, and that can be a great start. But you can do more if you’re serious about finding the right fit.

Kinky Polyamory

man lying with two girlsA while back I did an interview with Cunning Minx for her podcast Poly Weekly and we talked about being poly AND kinky. I shared my experience of having multiple submissives for many years and that even though we didn’t have a traditionally “sexual” relationship I still identified (and still do) as poly because the important aspects of emotional support, communication and fulfilling needs were a big part of our relationships.

Not all poly people are “kinky” and not all kinky people are poly. But polyamory is pretty common in the kinky world, there’s a lot of cross over.

Kinky-polyamory might be based on Power Dynamics and the hierarchy of each of the individuals within that Dynamic. Four examples of how this type of structure may work are:

  • One Dominant that has a relationship with each submissive, but the submissives don’t interact.
  • One Dominant that has relationships with multiple submissives who also have relationships with the other submissives
  • Two Dominants in a relationship might share a submissive
  • A Submissive may serve in different capacities for multiple Dominants.

As some like to joke “Polyamory is about having relationships in which you might fuck. Swinging is fucking without the *need* for a relationship” and I’ve personally found that true. Even though I don’t have actual intercourse with my submissives (I currently have more than 4 active submissives) I still feel very connected to them and their well-being.

Kinky-Polyamory may also be based on activity without any power dynamic at all. Different relationships might be built on shared interests, for example someone might do bondage scenes with one person and impact play with someone else.

Regardless of what ‘kind’ of kinky-poly relationship you’re in (or want to be in) be prepared to deal with similar issues from BOTH sides. Luckily, a few of Kink Academy educators have some suggestions on how to do that!

Pitfalls of Non-Monogamy by Makael Newby

Polyamory Tools by Sarah Sloane

Have you ever been in a kinky-poly relationship? If so, what was it like? If not, have you ever thought about it?

Keeping the Lust Alive – more sexy secrets about making time to connect

Couple Relaxing In Bed Wearing PajamasSexy time can sometimes slip down the to-do list when life gets busy…so here are some tips to keep the sparks alive and your romantic motor revving.

Sometimes it only takes a minute. With a sexy attitude a lot of tension can be built & expressed in only a minute or two. Run your hands over each other when no-one’s looking. Be affectionate, make a point to say good-by and hello with a kiss, while looking into each-others eyes.

Eyes really are windows into our soul, and sometimes those windows are red with lust. Let your eye contact linger, give your partner a seductive look and hold their stare. Think sexy thoughts as you’re looking at each other, and you’ll both feel your eyes (and bodies) getting hungrier for each other..

With a moment of privacy you can whisper sexy sweet nothings into each others ears with your bodies pressed together. Whisper about the naughty evening you have planned, or a quickie fantasy, or a memory of a particularly hot moment. Feel the softness of lips on ears, and a little nibble (not to hard!) can emphasize your erotic whisper.

When you’re in bed in the moments before sleep, you don’t have to have the time or energy for full hanging by the rafters sex. A lengthy and luxurious make-out session, with no expectation of continuing the play can be relaxing and intimate…plus it’s working with the time, space & energy that you have!

Remembering to look at each other as lovers and intimate partners in your naughty ‘crimes’. Having a great sex life (which means different things to different people) helps you feel closer to your partner and more desired generally, which is great for your sexual confidence.

So with the holidays & all the rushing around that’s going on, take just a moment or two to make that spark, which will then happen a lot faster when you actually have a bit longer to play.