Q: Sometimes after I dominate my partner, I feel guilty and worried that they didn’t really like what I did. What should I do to feel more confident?
A: Both male and female dominants might feel ‘badly’ for being so powerful or so sadistic. Make sure to communicate and ensure consent before the session. The Top has to be able to trust that that the bottom wouldn’t ask or consent to anything they don’t really want. And don’t forget ‘Top Aftercare’, it’s important for both players to reassure each other that a good time was had by all.
Q: Sometimes after I dominate my partner, I feel guilty and worried that they didn’t really like what I did. What should I do to feel more confident?
I tell stories a lot.
Some of my friends lovingly call it “The Kali Show” (well, at least they mostly say it lovingly!)
When I meet new people, or am hanging out with friends or am teaching classes…there’s always a story to tell. I like my stories to entertain and inform and since my life is filled with wacky experiences, I have plenty of stories to pick from!
Last Tuesday I was invited to tell a story at the Friday night Bawdy, so of course I said yes! Ever since I moved back to the Bay Area I’ve been looking forward to pitching a story to Bawdy, and when Dixie, the charismatic founder, said the theme would be “Risky Business” I knew the exact story to tell.
Even though I wasn’t able to make it to the dress rehearsal, I was incredibly impressed with the before-show info that Dixie shared. She sent me a super simple but extremely effective ‘storyboard’ tool to help me plot out the steps in the story to make sure I didn’t get distracted and lose my place. Usually I’m a rather organic storyteller so this one page of putting the details down gave me a great outline to follow once I was up on stage.
Since I joined the event on a slightly last minute basis I already had a commitment later in the evening, so Dixie scheduled me as the first story-teller. Thankfully I got there just in time for the night to begin!
The venue is simple and stylish with a bar and a stage and plenty of space for the audience. The room was packed with pretty much all the seats filled and even more people standing in the back. Dixie really does a fantastic job getting the audience ready and even giving some ‘coaching’ on how to be a great audience. I’ve never seen the technique and it was brilliant! There were a lot of newbies in attendance, the vibe was super supportive & excited for the fun.
After an amusing song (Bi-Curious George) by John Woods of the Wet Spots, it was my turn to get on stage.
(the video focuses after the first 30 seconds or so!)
I tried so hard to stay within the 10 minute time-frame, and I would have if I’d have actually STOPPED at the end of the story, but the educator in me felt the need to crystallize the lesson I learned from the experience. I really do love telling a good story, but I almost always feel compelled for it to have a ‘point’, like Aesop’s Fables or something!
I remember when I first started stripping and I found it to be empowering rather than degrading. My self-confidence grew, my assertiveness grew stronger and I found myself more *in* my body than ever before.
When I got into Professional Domination I was 22 and thought it was a blast. It was a way to express my “mean streak” safely and consensually AND get paid for it! Voila! The perfect job. I used to call myself “kinky for cash” because even though I was really good at Domination I still didn’t think (or admit) that I actually was really in to it. All of my sessions, from the very beginning came from a place of authenticity, so when I say kinky for cash I don’t mean to say that I wasn’t genuinely enthusiastic. But I saw it as more of a fun game and a way to earn a good living rather than anything else.
I remember the first time I thought to myself, “Wow, I really am a pervert”. I was in the passenger side seat of a friends car, and looking out the window I saw a women in professional attire including long crease pants, striding down the street. She looked strong and determined which is a look and attitude I’ve always appreciated in women. But then I saw a flash of her high heel as she took a step and the lengthy pants rose up to reveal just a glimpse of the stiletto. I was instantly horny. Which frankly, took me by surprise. That’s when I realized that it was not just a ‘fun job for awhile’ it was something I was really interested in and enjoyed.
Right now I call myself the “theoretical pervert” because I’m working so hard trying to help others explore their kink I don’t have the time or energy to express mine. But that’s something I’m willing to sacrifice for awhile to reach my goals. I can remember being 22 years old and standing on the sidewalk after a session, talking to my mother saying “Mom, it’s not like I’m going to do this forever” and now, 10+ years later, which certainly isn’t forever but it is a damn long time! I have found that sexuality, and most specifically kinky sexuality is a calling for me. Being an educator, being a Pro Domme, being a kinky coach… I’ve had the opportunity to help guide and inspire kinky development and I am completely honored by that.
Ok, so you’ve determined that you’re dominant (or perhaps a switch with a strong dominant side), now what? If you emulate porn, it’s likely you won’t keep play partners very long, since porn is based on fantasy (and making it look easy) but reality isn’t always so smooth.
One of the first things you can think about it what style of domination you’re attracted to. You might feel like different styles at different times, which is perfectly normal. But usually there’s a stronger connection to one in particular. This is true regardless of gender.
1) Strict, Cold, Cruel & Uncaring – this is a classic one, which is usually shown in porn, but can definitely be brought into reality keeping a few things in mind. First of all, it’s important that you’re not actually uncaring. When you don’t really care, on any level, how the other personal feels, then it can start to creep into abuse territory, and you don’t want to go there. Role-playing or acting in persona that you don’t care is fantastic, and is a popular fantasy for many. But it is still your responsibility to make sure that your play partner is fully intact (physically and emotionally) after your scene is an important part of keeping it “true” to BDSM standards. Same concept can be applied to being cold and cruel. Being strict though has a little more wiggle room. It’s easier to be strict in commands and expectations while still staying safe. You can speak in short sentences, abrupt even, with no warmth in your voice. Try to stay a bit distant on the outside while keeping a close eye on the scene from the ‘inside’. Keep the touching of skin to skin a minimum and focus on the using of toys.
2) Sensual, Teasing, & Seductive – this one is my particular favorite and tends to be my ‘default’ domination style (with a little cruelty thrown in for good measure *wink*). Again, this can be enjoyed by any gender, just keep your play partners desires in mind and keep them on the edge of receiving those desires. Talking is a great way to tease, describing what you could ‘possibly’ do to them. Use a softer, slower, sexier voice. Be enticing. Use a lot of touch, whether it’s skin to skin or dragging your toys sensually across their body. Seduce your play partner into giving up their submission. Make them beg sweetly for the ‘naughty’ things you’re going to be doing to them. Be playful!
3) Tender & Protective – this style is frequently the first choice for spanko’s, ABDL players, age players and those looking for genuine behavior modification (among others of course). The best phrase to sum up this style of domination is “I’m doing this for your own good”. This style can have elements of cruelty, but it’s done with warmth and care. A lot of times, aftercare is particularly important for this style, both for the dominant and the submissive. Keeping your bodies close together creates the protective intimacy.
These styles can be applied to both physical and psychological play, using toys or just your mind and voice. Feel free to explore each of them until you find one that fits, and don’t limit yourself to just these three! There are many other styles, some a combo of two styles or an attitude entirely different than what I’ve described here. Also, don’t limit yourself to one style all the time unless that’s what you personally want. Difference scenes might elicit a variety of styles for you, so let those styles surface and see where they take you. But above all, have fun and recognize that you are not defined by your dominance, nor the style it may take.
In the vanilla world, the acronym ‘CBT’ usually means ‘computer based training’ or ‘cognitive behavioral therapy’ which can cause quite the giggle fit when used in front of a kinkster. This is because, in the kinky world, CBT stands for ‘cock and ball teasing’ or ‘cock and ball torture’ depending on how “nice” you’re being! There’s also a related acronym CBB which means ‘cock and ball bondage’ which might be a part of CBT or it might not. Aren’t acronyms fun?!
(As an aside, I’ve added links to videos on KinkAcademy.com that demonstrate some of these techniques.)
Ok, let’s get down to the brass tacks of CBT, well, I don’t recommend using brass tacks, but we’ll get to that. There are many ways to enjoy it on both sides and to get pretty creative with it. For it to actually be CBT there does need to be a set of cock & balls involved. This area of a human body can be pretty sensitive although also more resilient than most people realize. But staying safe is key to keeping the ‘package’ intact! To learn more about the anatomy of the cock, which I won’t be going into here, check this article out.
One of the first and safest ways to explore CBT is with your hands. A man can even play with some of these techniques by himself, but as with most things, it’s more fun with a partner *wink*
Use your fingers to gently wrap around the balls at the base of the cock, so that you have the balls looking like a sack of gold with your fingers keeping it shut at the top. Gently (I said gently!) start to pull the balls away from the cock. You can also accomplish this with weights. Go slowly, it’s always better to ease in and add more pressure than to go yanking sensitive bits around and lose the pleasure of it (or even worse, do damage). Keeping the fingers nice and snug at the top, with that gentle pulling, the skin over the balls will become tight and even more sensitive. Which means a little goes a long way. Gently tap the ball sack, use fingernails to gently drag across the sensitive skin. Any sort of gentle sensation play is good for this sensitive area.
The same techniques can be used on the shaft of the cock. Gentle scratching and tapping can be fun. The shaft of the cock can take quite a bit more than the balls, particularly when first exploring. Squeeze the cock until that point between pleasure and a little bit of pain has been reached. If you’re into using your mouth, try gentle little nibbles. You are getting the point about being gentle, right?
Once you both have become comfortable being (gently) rough with those delightful cock and balls, then you can move onto more intense sensations!
On KinkAcademy.com there are a lot of videos that are helpful for anyone who’s new to domination. Here are some of them, but you can also click “basic” from the drop-down menu in the top right corner to find an expanded video list. You’ll have to click through the waiver to get the videos, but it’s worth the extra click ;)
Here are some books I recommend that will give you an honest, useful look at how to incorporate Domination into your sex life.
That question, no matter how many times I’ve heard it, always makes my heart skip a beat. It is not a simple question to answer and only opens up a torrent of other questions inside my head, which causes me to pause. And the pause rarely goes unnoticed. Who doesn’t know how to explain what they do for a living?
My answer depends a lot on those other internal questions: How long have I known this person? What is the context in which they know me? Do they appear open minded? Is an honest answer going to change the way they interact with me? Is this going to out-right freak them out?
My experience of sharing honestly has varied considerably. I have certainly had positive experiences, but I have frequently been surprised by those that I thought would take it in stride but instead become offended, even disgusted. All too often I have felt sad at how the declaration of my career choice has derailed a conversation or friendship that otherwise began very well.
My having moved much more into the education realm has admittedly made my response more palatable to others. Hearing “sexuality educator” is very different than “professional dominatrix.” The individual might not really know what I mean by either phrase, but the former is certainly less intimidating than the latter. Regardless, deciding how to respond to this innocuous – but oh so bothersome! – question remains a difficult decision for me every time.
Frankly, either way I answer feels like I’m going to get screwed (and not in the fun way). If I lie, then I’m not being true to myself; I am not presenting the proud professional pervert that I actually am. I am proud of my life, my accomplishments, and the incredibly intimate and amazing experiences I’ve shared with so many in the kink community. But, on the other hand, if I tell the truth, then I have to see that “look.” The same look that everyone gets, whether they accept/approve of what I do or not. The look that says: “What the F*ck?! Really? YOU?!” The look that illustrates the shocking incongruity: this nice “normal” person does, um, illicit things for a living.
I have lied, many times actually. My usual answer is that I do “website and new media development,” which is both sufficiently vague yet accurate. If they probe deeper, then I say that I own my own business; that I have a tech person that handles the actual building of the sites, and I serve as the PR person and general manager of the business. Um, yeah.
Every time I say that half-truth, my heart hurts for a moment. But sometimes an honest response is just not appropriate given the time constraints (if I’m on an airplane and don’t want to spend the flight giving a kink 101 class). Other times I know that I’m going to be interacting with the person out in the “real” world, and it’s just not worth disturbing their image of me. But when the opportunity presents itself, and I sense that the person who asked the question – the inquiry that has become “THAT” question in my life – might be open to the real answer; then I take the plunge. I say it. And though my heart skips yet another beat, and I can’t help but (still) be a bit anxious about their response, I feel proud that I have stood up and spoken my truth.
Originally posted on FearlessPress.com October 13, 2010