I considered it…I tried it…I hated it.

race flag finishing lineI was 22 when I discovered the world of BDSM, and after 2 years of (happily) being a stripper this discovery led to a whole new world of sexual expression. Just like so many of the star eyed newbies I see now, I was fascinated by all the different fetishes and how the idea of ‘sexually desirable’ went far outside of the box mainstream society had had me trapped in.

Women and men of all kinds (happily) did all kinds of creative, passionate, dramatic things to one another. To the superficial eye, the scenes might have been disturbing, people whipping and trampling and piercing each-others “naughty” bits. But I could immediately see below that. What I saw was intense connection going on all around me, in so many ways that I also immediately knew I wanted to be a part of this world.

Since I’m the kind of person to jump in with both feet (and yes, as a foot fetishist I’ve used that ‘joke’ for years) so that’s what I did. There are so many events everywhere, I found plenty of places to go and watch scenes and talk to the kinksters that had been playing. My brain was totally electrified (not literally for you violet wand lovers out there ;) and I wanted more and more information about dominance and submission, fetishes, ‘alternative’ relationships and all the other options the BDSM world had to offer.

From the time I was 11 I’ve been entrepreneurial so it was natural for me to find a way to earn a living doing the exact thing I wanted to be a part of. Coming from a back ground of stripping it wasn’t much of a stretch to start going to foot fetish parties, modeling for fetish sites and finding willing submissive.

It’s the modeling that I want to highlight today, a tweet made me think of it, and so here I am, sharing it with you. When I first discovered BDSM and started doing photo shoots, I was willing to try things because for me, experience is the best teacher. Plus it would help me figure out where I belonged in this wide and varied sexual world. I rarely talk about it (seriously. Rarely.) but it was an important part of my dominant self-discovery.

So I will confess. I did bondage modeling and was on the receiving end of some exotic fetishes. I expect the ‘Domme Police’ to swing through the windows and revoke my ‘Dommely Dom’ card but I’m going to say it anyway *wink*

My entire life it’s been extremely evident that I have a dominant personality. I’ve had submissives since before I was in high school (although I didn’t know the language to identify that type of relationship at the time) so I assumed I would be a Dominant with a capital D. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t try a few things out just in case.

I considered the various photo shoots I had been offered, seeking the ones that would have the highest possibility of adventure. Yes, I tried bondage shoots where I was the one tied up (and the collective gasp of so many men who couldn’t DARE to think of Princess Kali this way *wink*) including some rather intense ties. Hogties and predicament and the oh so popular damsel in distress. I did about a half a dozen shoots with photographers I met and felt comfortable with. But by the 6th shoot I knew for sure I didn’t want to do it anymore, that I didn’t enjoy the restriction, I didn’t enjoy the physical stress and I sure as shit didn’t like the feeling of being under someone elses control. So I stopped. I think it’s important to open yourself to new experiences, but if it’s not for you, just stop.

But in between the bondage shoots I also tried two more exotic fetish shoots. One with a very well known and well respected video-grapher, with me as dressed up as a show pony. I walked around in their desert backyard, doing the pony moves and trying to get into what I thought would be the pony headspace. But inside, I got nothing. They had beautiful gear, so I liked that part. I come from a theater back-ground so dressing up of any kind holds a certain kind of appeal to me. But that’s all it was for me, playing dress up. I did end up on the cover of a popular pony magazine, so at least, even though I wasn’t personally a fan, I got the gratification one gets from being on the cover of any magazine.

Because of that theater background, I had no problem, in any of the shoots, bondage or otherwise, to show the camera the appropriate response. When I was tied up I imagined what I want to look at and how I thought someone in this situation should behave. But it was acting. I remember the one time I did a hog-tie (with gag!) shoot , I said rather snippily (once they took the gag out) that they’d better get me undone quick unless they wanted me to turn the tables as soon as I was out. Since they were thankfully not into that sort of thing, so they quickly unwrapped me.  I never did another hogtie.

Anyway, back to the other fetish shoots.  Another one that I only tried once was sploshing. I did the photo shoot with a producer of sploshing sites, and we shot in a hotel room. The first portion of the shoot was pies in the face. When I got there, I saw about 30 little pie tins filled with whipped cream. It was a simple shoot in terms of logistics, I would site there, with the video camera on a tripod focused on my face. The producer stood off camera and was the one to smoosh the whip cream ‘pies’ in my face. Suffice to say after about the 3rd one (the first two, were pretty funny, nothing like that had ever happened to me) I was rather cranky. And there were still 27 pies to go. Ugh. So I got through those and then it was time for the 2nd portion of the shoot. When getting ready in the bathroom of the room, I saw a paint sized bucket filled with white goop. I didn’t think about it at the time, but I should have.

Sitting in a folding chair inside the bathtub, the bucket of cake mix (aka the white goop) was slowly poured over my head. By this point I had moved from cranky to pissed, but I agreed to do the shoot and as I’ve always said, integrity is expensive in more ways than just money. I sat there, knowing the entire bucket was going to continue until it was empty and I was covered in goo (although cake mix does smell nice, I mean, when you’re actually baking a cake). I remember the producer kept saying “Great! Keep up that pissed off look, that’s exactly what we’re looking for” and I also remember thinking “Good, because you’re not going to get me to look any way other than pissed right now”. I was never so happy for a shoot to be over. Unfortunately, the producer didn’t think about getting two rooms so I could clean up, I ended up in the shower ankle deep in cake mix. Have you ever tried to get cake mix out of your hair! I have long hair, and a lot of it so it was a nightmare. But I digress.

What is the point of this entertaining little ramble about my past? That everyone has their own path to get to where and who they are, and that path is constantly taking mini turns to get you to who you’re supposed to be. As a pro-domme for the last 10 years, stories like this wouldn’t be appropriate for publication. Bad for business you know. In the professional world, it’s not as desirable to have tried both sides, so it wasn’t anything worth mentioning. When I finally settled into my dominant self, I knew that really was right where I belonged. That being in charge and controlling willing participants made me happy, and making *other people* uncomfortable was way more pleasurable and appropriate to my genuine sensibilities. As a dominant, I never feel like I’m acting. As a dominant I feel like myself and I feel sure of what I want and who I am. I loved discovering and cultivating my dominant self. But I was also glad I had tried those other things, even though they were not pleasant for me. There was no damage done, and I could say honestly that I didn’t want to do those things, at least not on the receiving end.

Now I love sploshing, on OTHER people, making them messy and covered in goo. I love restricting willing playmates and having complete control over them. I’ve discovered that control is my main fetish, that as long as genuine control is given up to me, the activities can be almost anything.

So there you go. I considered it…I tried it….and I hated it. But I’m not sorry I did it, I don’t regret a single one of those shoots that led me to the surety of what I wanted and what I most certainly did NOT want.

It’s a journey, and my advice is to let yourself explore off the beaten (hehe) path. Be willing to try things that you’d otherwise not consider (as long as it’s with someone you trust) and be willing to checking things off your list by experiencing the fact that you don’t want to do them. It won’t cause you any damage to have given it a shot (as long as you’re also playing someone experienced) and then you can put it in the “no” pile. Or you might be surprised to find that you put an unexpected activity on your “yes” list, and that’s a discovery worth ‘suffering’ a little bit for.

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