Online Courses – Spring Schedule

Welcome to the Spring Schedule of my online courses!

 

Kinksters often have to depend on erotica and porn to learn what kink looks like, but unfortunately that can create a lot of myths, misunderstandings and accidental mistakes. BDSM is so focused on activity, but just because you’re going through the motions doesn’t mean you’ll

It can take years (and plenty of bad experiences) to help you learn exactly what you enjoy and why.

In this course Princess Kali will teach you how to have the most authentic & fulfilling kink experience possible. Over the last 17 years in the kink scene, Kali has developed a formula for discovering your most authentic kinky self.

In this class you’ll learn –

  • Common obstacles to satisfying kink scenes & experiences
  • Common stereotypes, myths
  • How “Kink is like a team sport”
  • The Matrix of Healthy Kink
  • How to develop your kinky self without a partner
  • Discover your kernel kink or “goal feeling” & why it’s the most important thing you can do
  • Different types of styles and personae
  • Negotiation & Communication tips for before, during and after scenes
  • How to get into headspace no matter how much time you or what your day’s been like
  • Get the most out of your kinky play with special tips & techniques

Click here to register for Authentic Kink!

 

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Can you teach submission?

One of the reasons I love twitter is the ability to have conversation with people around the world and get inspired by what others are experiencing and talking about.

So when Domina Dynasty posed this question on twitter, I was intrigued…

Can you teach someone to be submissive?

It’s a really interesting question and like so many aspects of kink, prompts more questions before an answer can be found.

First it got me thinking about the huge variety in submissives who have served me over the years. This is yet another example when language matters and individual definitions matter the most. The way that I define submission very likely could be different than the way that you define submission.

Yes, I know that I talk about this all the time but it’s that important.

This all boils down to one of my core concepts and it’s this –

Focus on intention, not activity.

Submission is an emotional state. Submission can look very different from person to person.

  • Crawling & groveling
  • Quietly respectful
  • Bratty & defiant
  • Obedient & obsequious

And to really blow your mind, sometimes submission looks like dominance but I’ll get to that more thoroughly in a future post.

However obedience is one of the most obvious expressions of submission, so we’ll start with that.

As a dominant, you can teach obedience. You can teach someone to submit to your commands, and you can teach someone how to do different tasks and actions. You can use punishments, rewards and bribes to encourage or require that someone “acts” obedience, because obedience is an action.

You can also teach someone how to model emotional submission with body language indicators such as keeping their eyes to the ground or crawling or always walking two steps behind.

Those are indicators of submission, but they don’t in any way guarantee the emotional state of submission.

Forcing someone to crawl might put them into the emotional state of submissiveness, but when you force someone else to do the same thing, they’re just crawling. It may not have any have any connection to the way that they are feeling inside.

The action and the activity is not where the energy lies. It is inside of the individual themselves.

Yes, you can teach someone to model submissiveness. You can teach them obedience. You can teach them to express emotional submissive indicators, but there is no (healthy*) way (that I know of) to externally teach someone to be submissive internally unless they want to achieve that headspace. They are the ones that have to put in the internal work no matter how much time or energy the dominant spends on the training.

So the person has to have at least a kernel of submissive desire even if they find it difficult to express that submissiveness. It’s not always easy behave submissively, even when it is desired.

But if they are motivated then there are definitely ways to develop submissiveness. There are ways to cultivate the mindset of submission and to use external actions to create internal headspace.

With the combination of consistent training from the dominant and sincere effort on the submissive it’s possible to grow a desire to be submissive into actual submission.

 

What do you think? Are you a dominant that has trained someone to BE and FEEL submissive, not just ACT submissive? How do you know? Are you a submissive that has been trained to deepen your internal experience? Tell me about it in the comments below!

 

* I’m sure that there are ways to teach someone to be genuinely emotionally submissive, but I am unsure of the healthiness of those methods. What I’m talking about right now is consensual and either relationship/emotional submission or sexual submission.

Finding Someone that Meets Your Kinky Needs

One of the questions I get most often is “How did you meet all your submissives?” with the closely followed up question of “How can I meet the submissive/dominant of my dreams?”

In a way, I had a leg up on perverts of the time, because unlike most, I had my own website. A place where I could direct people I met in person to find out more about me and my interests, or where someone searching online could stumble upon my site and read all about what I was looking for.

Lucky for you, times have changed and it’s not hard (or expensive) to have your own website. WordPress has created a world where we can all have our own simple to build websites, and if you’re looking for love then I recommend that’s exactly what you do.

Having your own website allows for the following

  • Gives you a place to send people from your twitter feed or Fetlife profile
  • Set up a simple form that is specific about what you’re looking for
  • Shows your seriousness about finding a good match

Most kinksters have a profile on Fetlife now, and that can be a great start. But you can do more if you’re serious about finding the right fit.

Ask The HeadMistress: Dominant Guilt

Q: Sometimes after I dominate my partner, I feel guilty and worried that they didn’t really like what I did. What should I do to feel more confident?
A: Both male and female dominants might feel ‘badly’ for being so powerful or so sadistic. Make sure to communicate and ensure consent before the session. The Top has to be able to trust that that the bottom wouldn’t ask or consent to anything they don’t really want. And don’t forget ‘Top Aftercare’, it’s important for both players to reassure each other that a good time was had by all.

Living in a post 50 Shades world

50ShadesofGreyCoverArtIn 2011, three unassuming fan fiction books were published, and before long the world had collectively lost its mind.

 

By 2012, over 20 million copies of the books had been sold and the mainstream world was suddenly aware of kink in a brand new way.  BDSM was being discussed and debated on every morning show and in every late night monologue.  Kink had become part of the mainstream cultural vernacular in a way that couldn’t be ignored.

At that point I had been a professional dominatrix for more than 10 years, based in Boston, a city that was culturally buttoned up, yet harbored a large underground population of kinksters. Though I was mostly retired (to focus on my educational project KinkAcademy.com), I still had a strong affiliation with professional domination; it has loomed large as part of my personal identity.

In my pre-50-shades life,  when I would attend a party or BBQ, and the conversation would inevitably turn to “what do you do for a living,” I would respond with “I’m a kink educator and professional dominatrix!”  No matter how much the conversation had been humming along up until that point, no matter how tittilated the more vanilla folks at the party would be (and truth be told: the more vanilla they were, the more tittilated they would be), they would quickly find an excuse to turn away from the conversation. At least that was before the kinky books that rocked the world showed up on the scene.

But oh, how living in a post-50 Shades world has altered this exchange. As someone who’s life included “full immersion perversion” (aka my career was centered around BDSM and so were my personal relationships), I’m in a position to have to talk about kink much more than the average private player. But now when I share my career history (I’ve been retired for nearly 5 years), instead of dismay and confusion, I’m met with enthusiasm.  Inevitably someone invokes Christian and Anastasia…

“Oh! You mean like in 50 Shades of Grey?”

“Are those books.. you know.. Real?”

“You must like…. What did you think of…. Was your experience just like…”

This now universal response brings up mixed feelings for me. These books caused quite an uproar in the kinky community, with bloggers denouncing it as dangerous and the worst thing to happen to BDSM since Paddleboro. Kinksters I know would huff and puff when the books would come up at events, and the eye-rolls couldn’t get any harder. The BDSM Community as a whole were at best unimpressed with all the “lookie-loos” the books were bringing to local dungeons and kinky events.

But from the get-go, I couldn’t help but see the benefit to these books.

There are plenty of kinksters who have a distinct interest in keeping the BDSM world on the edge of society; they prefer it to retain its underground, ‘dangerous’ vibe. These kinksters are most attracted to the taboo aspect of kink, the deviance of being a “pervert” in the more traditional sense of the word. Frankly they’re pissed that mainstream culture is intruding on their private playspace.

But there are also many who, like me, see how kink being more understood in the mainstream world could create a lot of positives. For example, there are too many people deep in custody battles, where kinky activity is used to discredit one of the parents.  There are those who suffer from intense fear that accompanies the risk of being outed as a leather-lover.  The fact that a good number of people no longer have to hide their head in shame and fear, or suffer the consequences of ignorance, is a good thing for which – I have to say it – we can thank the 50-shades phenomenon.

In 2016, we live in a Post-50-Shades world. I for one am grateful we do.

Now that I’m moving more into the mainstream world, and expanding my speaking career, it’s become an especially big help for your average citizen to have some kind of a reference point for my past, even if that reference requires a bit of.. unpacking. When the book is brought up, it gives me an opportunity to share a more well-informed perspective. I point out that the books are intended as erotica, similarly to long-published Harlequin novels. That a Harlequin romance with a storyline about pirates and sailing the open seas is just as useful as a how-to guide for taking the helm of a galleon as 50 Shades is an instruction manual for kink.

In fact, my first large mainstream event presentation was at SXSW 2013 titled “The 50 Shades Phenomenon;”  it was well attended and well received. This was the largest opportunity I had to talk to an audience that wasn’t intrinsically kink-focused, and start to share what the BDSM world has taught me outside of the bedroom.

I’ve learned about setting and enforcing personal boundaries, both emotional and physical, and my communication skills in general have skyrocketed. I’ve learned to tap into confidence and inner power in order to achieve what I want in life. It’s helped me be more self-aware and more disciplined. And it’s allowed me to have incredibly creative relationships and experiences.

Since I’ve been retired from the professional world for the last five years, my ability to branch out has expanded tremendously and I can’t help but credit the Fifty Shades series with helping to make that possible.

So while the obsession with the series itself has died down temporarily, the conversation about BDSM have changed forever. And I have no doubt that as the second and third movies are released there will be even more opportunities to educate the public about how awesome kink is, which can only lead to more public understanding, which likely leads to a safer world for the kink-identified, and ultimately for all manner of sexual identity & expression.

 

*Vanilla is a term some kinksters use to describe non-kinky people. It’s used in the same context as ‘muggle’ for Harry Potter fans, or civilians for military enthusiasts.

Come see me at ‘Writers With Drinks’ April 9th!

FrontPostcardWhen: Saturday April 9 from 7:30 PM to 9:30 PM, doors open 6:30 PM
What: WRITERS WITH DRINKS!
Who: Adam Savage, Isabel Yap, Princess Kali and co-host Annalee Newitz!
How much: $5 to $20, all proceeds benefit the CSC
Where: The Make Out Room, 3225 22nd. St., San Francisco, CA

 

Princess Kali is the author of Enough to Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation. Her dynamic and engaging style of presenting has been welcomed at more than 150 venues including kink events such as Dark Odyssey, Fetish Fair Fleamarket, Kink in the Caribbean, and IMsL as well as mainstream venues such as Harvard University and SXSW. As the founder of Erotication.com, she pioneered the model of the “kinktrepreneur”, creating sites such as Kink Academy, Passionate U, and Fearles Press for easy access to adult sex and BDSM education.

I’ll be telling the full story of the Human Hotdog, the short version is in the book but there are even more fun details! See the uncensored version of the photo on Fetlife!

Adam Savage was the co-host of the TV show Mythbusters. Savage worked for years in the special effects industry, honing his skills through more than 100 television commercials and a dozen feature films, including Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace and Episode II: Attack of the Clones, Galaxy Quest, Terminator 3, A.I. and the Matrix sequels. Savage also teaches, lectures and consults on a variety of topics to students, business folks and everyday Joes. Somehow he also finds time to devote to his own art — his sculptures have been showcased in over 40 shows in San Francisco, New York and Charleston, West Virginia.

Isabel Yap writes fiction and poetry, works in the tech industry, and drinks tea. Born and raised in Manila, she currently works in London. Her writing has recently appeared in The Best of Philippine Speculative Fiction 2005–2010, Tor.com, Interfictions Online, Stone Telling, and Nightmare Magazine.

Co-host Annalee Newitz is the author of Scatter, Adapt, and Remember: How Humans Will Survive a Mass Exctinction. She’s also the author of Autonomous, a novel coming in 2017 from Tor Books. She is the Tech Culture Editor at Ars Technica, and the founding editor of io9. She was the recipient of a Knight Science Journalism Fellowship at MIT.

About Writers With Drinks:

Writers With Drinks has won numerous “Best ofs” from local newspapers, and has been mentioned in 7×7, Spin Magazine and one of Armistead Maupin’s Tales of the City novels. The spoken word “variety show” mixes genres to raise money for local causes. The award-winning show includes poetry, stand-up comedy, science fiction, fantasy, romance, mystery, literary fiction, erotica, memoir, zines and blogs in a freewheeling format.

6 Steps to a More Fulfilling Sex Life

blindfold couple 1 smallThese ideas are meant to be simple(ish) and free (of financial need). But that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy or that it isn’t going to take any investment. It will be an investment of time, and you may find that doing the simplest thing may be more difficult that you first imagined. But the rewards of your effort will be gratifying both physically and emotionally as you discover more pleasure than you may have thought you could experience.

  1. Evaluate Your Needs Honestly – It’s practically impossible to get what you want if you don’t even know what you want. So taking the time to really sit down with yourself (and/or your partner) and exploring what your desires and needs are will be the first step to finding more satisfaction and getting more pleasure out of your sexual life. Write out your needs, don’t just list them in your head. Seeing the words on paper makes them more real and more realistic to go after.
  1. Fine Tune Your Communication – You may already be able to talk about some of your sexual needs, or perhaps neither of you ever talk about it at all, but either way, whatever you’re doing now isn’t working for you. So rather than just telling you to communicate, I’m suggesting that you innovate the way you communicate. Find new and alternative ways to express your needs that will inspire deeper revelations about yourself. Use emails, or a notebook as a way to communicate without being face to face
  1. Stay Connected – Finding ways to stay connected sexually during life’s busy schedule is super important. Not just chatting about what you did that day, or complaining about some annoying co-worker, but connecting on a specifically sexual level. Inspiring sensuality in yourself and in your partner is one of the best ways to turn around a bad day or make a good day even better! Use physical touch, take a few minutes to make out in the middle of the day, or even squeeze in a quickie!
  1. Structure Adds Spontaneity – With the way that modern life is set up we are faced with a sad conundrum. Do we “schedule” our sex lives until it becomes just another task on our to-do lists? Or do we wait for “passion” to strike and discover that at 1am when you both fall into bed there just isn’t any more energy to make that sexual spark actually happen. I say that there is a happy medium that can set you up for successful sexual adventures both with respect to busy schedules and the needs for spontaneity. Commit to at least one night a week for a date night (or even once a month) or have a ‘Sexy Sunday’ to explore your dominant and submissive selves.
  1. Explore New Activities – We all have a list of long-time favorites, but it’s a good way to keep things fresh by finding other activities you might enjoy together. Take it one at a time so neither of you feels overwhelmed and you can each see exactly how you feel about the new activity before adding it to your repertoire. Perhaps you might incorporate more verbal play than usual, or during a bondage session give role-play a try.
  1. Commit to Improving Your Sexual Well-Being – Just like creating any new habit, you have to make the commitment to yourself (and your partner) to follow through on your sexual adventure. That you won’t get down on yourself when you aren’t a ‘perfect lover’ but that you continue to try your best every day. Know that with a healthy sexual identity, confidence and happiness in other aspects of your life will improve as well.

On experts, professionals and players…

Reverend Danny Smite posted this open letter today in response to an interview with professional Humiliatrix Ceara Lynch on The Joe Rogan Experience podcast. Here are my thoughts….

Not everyone who does kink professionally feels connected to the activities on a personal level and that’s ok. I don’t think Ceara has ever identified herself as a an expert (neither have I just as a note, the word “expert” comes with quite a lot of baggage!) but she is a professional. She provides a much appreciated service, acting as a focus for the fetish desires of men all over the world. She dishes up what they love to pay for. With her clients it’s a consensually transactional experience and that’s understood by everyone directly involved.

I’ve spent a little time with Ceara and have found her to be a lovely person, and very good at her job. Even without “understanding” it (by her own description) she’s obviously very, very talented at targeting in on acting out these desires. I’m sure for many of her clients the fact that she holds genuine disdain is experienced as a plus, though that’s certainly not a dynamic that works for everyone. She’s done quite a bit of mainstream media, which does tend to look for the sensationalist angle. Ceara has been in the ‘Humiliatrix’ business for many years, which is a storytelling goldmine. It certainly was for me. In a world of SEXSEXSEX, kink, especially certain ‘extreme’ fetishes (such as erotic humiliation) still hold the allure of being “out there” even with more acceptance for BDSM building in the mainstream world.

As for me, one of the reasons I retired from professional domination was because of a stronger desire to come at kink from an overtly educational perspective. But that’s not true for all ProDommes (or other fetish workers) and that is ok. I wholeheartedly agree with Danny that BDSM, and particularly erotic humiliation, is still very misunderstood. The stereotypes held by larger society can be dangerous for those that incorporate this kind of psychological play into their sexuality. I also believe that ‘kinky’ is a sexual orientation for many, while remaining simply a bedroom practice for others. Both should be a respected option for sexual expression.

Earlier this year a Guardian article proposed the idea that “50 Shades” is the “Stonewall” moment for BDSM and though I hesitate to compare a bad erotica novel to the passionate protests of Stonewall, I do think we’re at a turning point in mainstream awareness. For some kinksters this has spurred an even stronger desire for us to be understood and portrayed in a fair way, which is where I think Danny is coming from. I stand with him on that. And I appreciate his enthusiastic recommendation. Between 10 years as a professional dominatrix, 15 years as a lifestyle dominant, and spending the last year writing the first book on erotic humiliation, I’ve certainly spent plenty of time thinking about the why’s as well as the how’s and I’m passionate about sharing that knowledge.

To Chris Ryan, I’m a fan of Sex At Dawn and though I’m not familiar with Joe Rogan’s podcast, I’d be happy to chat with either of you from a more lifestyle experience of erotic humiliation, also known as art of the mind fuck! Like all kinds of fucking, there’s as many ways as there are people!

Enough To Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation – Available for sale!

Front CoverEnough To Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation is ready and available for sale! I am so proud of this book and I hope you enjoy it.

Inside it you’ll find:
  • The difference between embarrassment, humiliation & degradation
  • Why kinksters enjoy consensual psychological torment
  • Tips for communicating your desires for both dominants & submissives
  • The Top 10 Negotiation Questions + Bonus Questions!
  • An answer to “Can an activity be humiliating if you ask for it?”
  • Why you need both a trigger plan AND an aftercare plan
  • So many different ways to play, it could take you a lifetime to try them all!


The paperback edition is available now and the Kindle edition will be available by November 17th.

Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has supported, shared, encouraged and contributed to this book. If you’d like to help me promote Enough To Make You Blush, please check out my blog post with some super easy ways you can help me spread the word!
If you pre-purchased Enough To Make You Blush at an event or on my site, please check your inbox for an email with instructions on how to collect your copy!

It’s almost ready! – a book about Erotic Humiliation

Writing a book is a really involved project. The seedling of an idea gets planted and then years may go by as you think, collect notes and brainstorm ideas to share. In my case, nearly 10 years have gone by as I’ve presented this topic dozens of times at different kink events across the country. Then, after letting the thoughts percolate and bubble for so long, a rush of work is done to get it finished.  I’m finally ready to announce…

My first book “Enough To Make You Blush – A Guide To Erotic Humiliation” will be released in October 2015

I’m going the self-publishing route and working with some great freelancers to get the project wrapped up and ready for production. We’re in the final phases now of editing, graphics, layout and cover design…it’s so exciting!

I’m still interested in hearing other perspectives as a general inspiration and looking for quotes to include. Humiliation is such a hugely varied kinky interest, I’d never assume to speak from every point of view. If you’re willing to share your experiences (it can be done anonymously or with the potential to be quoted, your privacy is respected) please take a few minutes to fill out my survey, which will be shut down at the end of April.

Along with Enough To Make You Blush I’ll be doing a 2nd run of my popular Scene Starter deck with over 200 phrases to use during erotic humiliation play.